Prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
can anything ever be this good again?[i][/i]
After a long drive in a car cramped with my mother, my father, my sister, my grandmother, myself and even the family dog, we finally arrived at our destination. The destination was my aunt and uncles house. The purpose of our visit was family Thanksgiving dinner. We piled out of the car and were greeted by our hosts and a chilly San Bernardino wind, and quickly made our way inside. Upon entry, i was immediately re acquainted with the familiar smells of home-made stuffing, rolls and my aunts famous bacon wrapped shrimp. The house was decorated with candles and table cloths and you could hear the crackling of the warm fireplace in the living room. The music was non seasonal but felt strangely appropriate. The song Ever Long by the Foo Fighters came on and I couldn't help but wonder "If anything could ever be this good again?" You see, my aunt and uncle were losing their house and this was the last time the whole family would get together there. With that in mind, I set out to enjoy the little time we had in the house together as much as possible.
My dad is quite the barbeque aficionado and so me and him got to work barbequing the turkey, well, he got to work, i was mostly watching and trying to learn. After the barbeque had been filled with charcoal and apple wood, the cleaned and seasoned turkey was placed on the grill and left alone for most of the day.
Now it was time for another tradition, football. Every year for as long as i can remember, me, my dad and my uncle have always gone to the backyard and thrown the football around while the turkey was cooking. We played for about an hour, got tired out, and came back inside. In the living room I saw my grandmother teaching my aunt how to crotchet and my sister and niece watching tv. I joined my sister a niece for a while while the adults finished up all the preparations for the meal. Before long my dad called me over to help him with the turkey. We checked the temperature and concluded it was done and brought it inside to the kitchen.
Before long, all the food was cooked, plated, and the table was set. The table was covered with a deep burgundy table cloth, white plates, blue candles, and name cards held up by ornate little owl figures. One by one we got our share of food, sat down and gave a little speech about what we are thankful for.
Ok, so basically after the first paragraph i just ran out of steam and it sounds really terrible, and help/advice would be awesome!
You have a good start, don't give up! Here's what I noticed/recommend:
Take out the "even" before "family dog," it doesn't seem necessary.
I really like the first paragraph, you did a good job of showing instead of telling, and that's great.
One thing I would take out is the "You see" part. You don't want to address your reader directly like that.
There are a few grammer mistakes, but since its your first draft, you probably already know that.
great advice, thanks!
I like the addition about your great-uncle, that makes it very personal.
Still some grammer errors, don't forget about those!
and the last sentence I don't think is necessary at all, I think the one before it is a perfect ending, maybe consider adding "wonderful" role models or some other discriptive word.
You did an excellent job describing your family and traditions and I like the conclusion you added on the second draft. However, you didn't mention how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. Maybe I read it too fast but I didn't see you include what your dreams or aspirations where. Hope this helps. :) Return the favor if you can.
Yea ill be sure to write about how that world has shaped me and fix all the grammar issues, thanks for all the help guys! ill go through your essays when i get a chance for sure
It should be "[...] my mother, father, sister, grandmother, [etc.]" You only have to say MY once! :)
It's very well written, yet I feel as if you spend too much time (and precious words!) on describing the thanksgiving traditions of your family. Instead, I would focus on how having such a close knit family has shaped you into the person you are today- what qualities have you gained and what have you learned from your close family and yearly traditions? You may want to avoid placing so much emphasis on the traditions, because the readers don't want to know about those, but they want to know about YOU and what makes YOU such a wonderful person. Hope I could help!
