Hi, I hope someone will be able to help me with my essay. Although I studied here in the US, my grammar may be quite a mess. I would appreciate any criticism you throw at me, anything that I can improve in my essay or change. As of right now it is 588 words and I didn't know if I should shorten it to fit the 250-500 word limit. If it is in any way possible to help me, I would be ever so grateful!
Thank you,
Mary A.
P.S. This was a really personal subject and I hope it gets across my feelings and how I approach and solve a problem.
Topic: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
It was just another day, eating dinner watching the 6 o'clock news when all of a sudden the swishing sound and red flashing lights hit the tv screen, "BREAKING NEWS!" I didn't give much attention to the news because it was probably the same old news just in a new, enhanced version. However, it was not typical, but rather new: "Another child driven to death because of bullying." I was in shock at the fact that someone could bully another fellow classmate to the point that they commit suicide. It became a nationwide issue. A death in Florida, another in Texas, New York, California. It's quite the tragedy. Bullying is the worst thing an individual could go through. The words of a bully are like knives stabbing into your heart, painful like the sting of a bee. Bullies are like vultures picking at the dead carcass that lies in the middle of the street.
Once I heard the news, my heart dropped. The flashbacks began flooding my mind. I can remember the first time I was teased because of the dark, peach fuzz that was above my lips or between my eyebrows and the dark hairs on my arms. Harry Mary was my name throughout my school years. Words hurt, especially those words. However, I was able to pick myself up in order to make the bullies understand that although their words don't affect me because I believe God created me the way he wanted me, but that they should be more cautious whereas others may not be able to handle it. All I could do was ignore, speak up, and forgive.
I experienced my front row bullying of a new girl that just walked in on the bus. While she was handing in her bus pass, the immature high school boys started snickering and for every step she took they made sound effects of creaking wood floors. It was distressing to hear the incessant comments made at every move she made. I couldn't handle it anymore. I stood up to look at the two boys as if it was an old western showdown with courage spewing from my nose. I could see the girl just looking at me from the corner of her eye. All I could say was that they had no right to do such spiteful things for they did not know her and that they were old enough to know how to keep naïve statements to themselves, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all". I sat back down and received thanks from a stunned girl.
The next week she came on the bus again and again the snickering occurred by another pair of boys. I could see how the words were painfully pinching her skin in pain. I was about to stand and have another showdown, but I saw from the corner of my eye this time that she got up and stared them down. She kindly told them that it was rude and told them she'd forgive them for their comments and would like it if they didn't say any more. This time I was in shock and she shot me a smile.
At that moment, I was extremely proud like a teacher had accomplished their task. It was a glorious moment in my life and will always rest in my memories. The day I stood up for myself and encouraged someone else to stand up and how the girl made me feel like a leader.
Hei Mary! :D
You shouldn't worry that much about your grammar, your English is gorgeous. The essay has a perfect structure and you definitely have your way with words.
Don't take this the wrong way, but bullies aren't bad. Any species follows a process called "natural selection" with the purpose of getting rid of inferior specimens. The reason bullies are perceived as bad is because we are being thought that violence is bad. It should not be a matter of stopping bullying, but teaching kids how to deal with it; teaching them that it is necessary sometimes to bully the bullies back. You know, for the sake of their own sanity and such. However, that is just my opinion.
Good luck! :D
It was just another day. I was eating dinner and watching the 6 o'clock news
I could see how the words were painfully pinching her skin in pain .
I was extremely proud like a teacher that had accomplished theirher task.
It was a glorious moment in my life and it will always rest in my memories.
Thank you very much for reviewing my essay! I appreciate your comment. I also respect your view of natural selection and what you say is very true. See the reason to why I chose this topic was to show how I didn't let it bring me down and faced the problem rather than letting it build up. I hope my showed that. If not, how can I change it to fit that?
I was also wondering if it fits this topic:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
You did show what you intended to, but I personally cannot relate to that. In my experience, no bully ever stopped when he was asked to stop. You can only shut a bully up by bullying him back. However, as I said, this is just my very own opinion, it doesn't change that you have written a very good essay! :D
Oh, yes, I totally forgot to mention this: you must edit your essay and say how this experience prepared you for the future. Because from your essay the reader understands just one thing: you are hardcore! So add some more depth to your essay by making this whole story shorter and also mention some of your goals!
How does this sound for an ending:
This was a life lesson and prepared me to not let anything get in my way. I know that whatever that is thrown at me has to be approached and challenged in order to receive satisfaction. I hope to contribute a sense of leadership in every step I take for people to walk in and sprout into a leader as well.
Um, it's good, but I still think you should develop that idea in a whole paragraph.
I would greatly appreciate it if a moderator could give their opinions on my essay as well and whether it answers the topic! Thank you!
