Please check my grammar and tell me how you think about my essay
is there anything I should add in the essay.
Thank you
Prompt#2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how it relate to the person you are
I am just like other teenagers who want do anything without parents' permission. Knowing getting straight's A is not enough to gain their trust, I decided to work at my restaurant as the position that my mom had offered me since the Christmas break last year.
Working as cashier was not as difficult as I thought it would be, my two main duties were correcting the money, and closing account for total sale at the end of each day. Because my shift is 6:00 PM to 10:00 PM, Tuesday to Saturday, I had less free time. Instead of studying and working on my homework, I spent those times to watching TV, and surfing the internet, I thought that there should be no problem getting straight A's again since I understood most of lesson I had learned on each day.
On six grading period report card, I found that my GPA went down to 3.40. The fact that my GPA went down 0.60 was totally shocked me even it was not yet my final GPA. First thought came to mind is to quit my job. But I later realized that if I quitted this job I am just like a loser, quitting before I even tried my best. Therefore I decided not to quit the job, and instead of wasting my time doing unnecessary things like surfing the internet, watching TV, I used those times for studying for the test, going over new stuff I have learned each day, clarifying myself the part that I do not get, and doing my homework. For example, at lunch time, instead of charting with my friends as usual, I would pull out either my homework to finish it or my notes to review. Also, as soon as I get home, I would relax myself for about half an hour then start working on the rest of the homework before I go to work at 6:00 PM.
The result of my effort was shown on my 12 grading period report card, I got 3.60 GPA. Knowing no one could change overnight, I was so proud of my GPA. A week after spring break, my mom asked me if I want to stop working for preparing for May SAT I, June SAT II (which was taken on the next day of my final exam) and the final exam, unlike, other people that I know who have a job, I did not stop working. So, I reorganized some of my life schedule. From the girl who never woke up before 7 o'clock in the morning, I started to wake up 5 in the morning to study for the SAT every school day.
After my report card arrived, I was disappointed that I could not keep my straight A's even I tried my best. But I was glad that at least I changed myself. I became more responsible person, and my management skills actually improved.
Greetings!
I'll do my best to make helpful suggestions...
This is a run-on sentence:
Working as cashier was not as difficult as I thought it would be, my two main duties were correcting the money, and closing account for total sale at the end of each day.
You can fix it by putting a period or semi-colon after the word "be."
Also, maybe you don't need to include the phrase "since Christmas break last year." It makes it sound like your mom got on your case to work, and you finally gave in and worked.
Here is another run-on sentence:
The result of my effort was shown on my 12 grading period report card, I got 3.60 GPA.
You can fix it by putting either a period or a semi-colon after the word "card."
For Your first sentence, maybe you would like to change it to say: I am just like other teenagers who will do anything to earn some freedom and independence.
Kevin
