VIRTUALLY ALL OF STANFORD'S UNDERGRADUATES LIVE ON CAMPUS. WRITE A NOTE TO YOUR FUTURE ROOMMATE THAT REVEALS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU OR THAT WILL HELP YOUR ROOMMATE - AND US - KNOW YOU BETTER
I'm applying for Early Action, so the deadline is only a few days ahead...Any criticism is welcome!
Before you rush to hug me welcome, please accept my sincerest apology for any future trouble I may bring. Sorry for innumerable calls and video talks. The twelve-hour time difference between China and America is far too powerless to prevent my parents from chatting with me-- and you. And don't think it a joke when one day, they invite you home; they mean it. Besides family members, my friends will also contact me whenever they seek to share happiness, let off sadness, or confide secrets.
Another problem would be an over-crowded dorm. Boxes of books, CDs, and Chinese cuisine will fill our room, and before you hooray for having consumed all the food, you will find more having arrived across the Pacific. Talking about food... you are not trying to control weight, are you? Since I am a really good cook and take every chance to make dishes, it is highly likely that you will gain some pounds instead losing one.
In addition, please be patient with me after every vacation. My tours within China and around the world, table tennis practice, parties, concerts, exhibitions... I will try to control myself, but I'm not sure if I can stop before pouring out details and demanding your comments on the thousands of photos I take.
Finally, don't get anxious when, if ever, you see me shedding tears and murmuring to myself. The smiling and energetic girl you're familiar with will be back in no time.
Really nice! You did a great job in including who you are (references to chinese food, 'China to America', boxes of books, activities which will consume your time) by creative means. Rather than list flat out your bio, you thoughtfully expressed Xiaoyue.
Criticism: Rephrase: 'Talking about food... you are not trying to control weight, are you?"
Instead of 'talking about' try 'Speaking of..'
Instead of 'you are not trying to control weight, are you?' try making it less awkward--'you are not trying to...' sounds odd. Rephrase: 'control weight' with something less formal and awkward sounding. Such as: 'watching your weight'
Basically all I had to critic was one sentence! Therefore you should have no worries!
To tidy up the criticism Caleb had:
I would suggest: "Speaking of food... you're not on a diet, are you?"
This is really great, the only thing is when you say "Finally, don't get anxious when, if ever, you see me shedding tears and murmuring to myself", it seems a little out of place and casts a kind of negative light on you because we don't know why you would be doing that. it'd be better to explain why you would be acting that way or just cut it out.
I did find one little mistake though : "it is highly likely that you will gain some pounds instead [of] losing [them]"
Other than those, great job!
Good luck on your application to Stanford.
Thank you all!!!
Overall it's a well structured note. Some small grammar mistakes, but it's not a big problem comparing to the picture that your essay shows.
Think that your roommate will be a lucky person.