Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5


UC APP - personal; 'breaststroke swimmer'


bigchau 5 / 16 1  
Nov 30, 2012   #1
this is super late, i know, but please see if its a good personal statement! I have at least a good 4 more hours for this. Thanks!!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

A shrill whistle screamed somewhere, and every part of my body leaped simultaneously and unanimously into the pulsing body of water below me. I had made the jump late, perhaps a second or less, and I was already behind my fellow competitors. This was, of course, unexpected; it was both the least positive scenario and the least probable scenario. Being one of the more robust breaststroke swimmers on the team, I depended on my prowess with the stroke to win the race. Whilst my mind was racing with fruitless thought, my legs were the first to be hit with pragmatic adrenaline, scurrying and kicking into the sinisterly chlorinated waters with a familiar ferocity. In little time, I had recovered the lost distance and soon glided past the struggling masses beside me who were inefficiently and hysterically throwing their arms into the water, revoking every bit of elegance that the breaststroke embodied. As I neared the finishing wall, I turned my head to my right during one of my breaths. There was no discernible movement in any of the lanes to the right. I plunged my head back into the water and as I surfaced again, I turned to the left and once again saw a placid stillness on the waters to the left lanes. At this point, I was about a breaststroke away from the wall, and it is equivocal whether naivety, or utter stupidity, or burgeoned hubris enforced my decision, but as I completed the final stroke, I touched the wall with a single hand. By the time I had pulled myself out of the pool, the others had only just finished. The rapturous applause from the bleachers was a voluptuous symphony to my plugged ears, performed for the blatant champion who overcame his vices and emerged victorious. Alongside this sound, I saw a golden hue transcending into my thoughts. What I did not know beforehand, was that in an official and regulated race, breaststrokers were to finish with two hands on the wall. I was dethroned immediately as the timekeeper's words tore through the applause. On certain occasions after this incident, I asked my father, who had filmed my race, for the footage, and on as many occasions, he would tell me that he had lost it "somewhere". It was not lost anywhere, but rather, incarcerated inside the echelons of my head, where the moment of my mistake replayed interminably with impunity. I thoroughly changed after that unforgettably painful day, and I often remind myself of what I gave away to one of the swimmers behind me. Since then, that race has perhaps become a personal sanctuary of sorts, one that I revisit sometimes when I forget the revelation of merits that have come from this experience. In ways previously unimaginable, the pool had forged in me a wiser and better individual, one that has learned to realize how nothing is absolute but rather, transient. The preconception of having something for granted is a conceited notion, and as clichéd ridden as this may be, I became more conscious of reality. In other words, I grew up. I also never wanted to taste remorse again, never to come so close to success and yet fail in the end. In relevance to this, I attempt to accomplish tasks with this mindset of humility and with more respect to the task itself. A microcosm of this can be seen when I'm taking tests, where I'm always the last to finish, knowing of my ability to overlook and underestimate. Some may call this paranoia, but perhaps it is only I that will know such an importance. On another note, whenever I swim breaststroke nowadays, I always remember to touch the wall with two hands.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 30, 2012   #2
this is super late

:D
But I must say it is super quality :D

revoking every bit of elegance that the breaststroke embodied.

... :D ... Very interesting : )

Yep .... You've done a remarkable job taking the reader on a virtual tour on that event. :D
Then you beautifully relate it your personality development : )
I think your answer to this prompt is super and I wish you ALL THE BEST!
Great Job!
OP bigchau 5 / 16 1  
Nov 30, 2012   #3
thanks a lot Dumi. unfortunately this is too long.. is there any parts you think i could remove from the essay that is unnecessary?
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Nov 30, 2012   #4
This is an awesome essay....
I love the way you create enthusiasm and then the utter disappointment of loosing the race, and finally how it changed you as a person....

Marvelous job and i wish you the very best. :D
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 30, 2012   #5
hI bigchau,

unfortunately this is too long.. is there any parts you think i could remove from the essay that is unnecessary?

Alright.... then here where you can do something;

Try and take off a few sentences in this part.... I do give my suggestions to others, but for you I don't wish to do so. The reason is our styles mismatch. You've done a beautiful job and I don't want to meddle with that. So you are the best person to handle this :D

Since you have elaborated the scene with every little detail, try to skim it down a little... The rest is worth preserving as each sentence has a point to answer your prompt.

Hope my suggestion is helpful : )


Home / Undergraduate / UC APP - personal; 'breaststroke swimmer'
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳