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The Appeal - Some students have a background story that is so central to their identity

Amantesfaz 1 / 1  
Nov 10, 2014   #1
Greetings, Below is the draft of my common app essay.I would love it if you give me your honest comments on it. Since the word limit is 650 please help me trimming it up. Plus Do you think the essay fits with the prompt?


The Appeal

It was during the long and joyful vacation after graduation. Though we seemed laidback, it was obvious that we were apprehensive about our exam results which would be out in the following days. At last, the day we all waited for, though it delayed, came. I felt like every fiber of my being was vibrating with anticipation. Logging into my account took century or it seemed so. But finally I saw my scores; my heart sank. Laughing that stemmed from extreme shock and disbelief, was the best I could do in reaction.It said I got failing scores but I felt so sure that either the score wasn't mine or the agency did something wrong marking my sheet. Hoping that the National Examinations Agency ,which administered these senior grade leaving examinations, would accept my complaints , I rushed to the headquarters.What the authorities there told me annhilated my hopes. The frustration tortured my soul; nothing could get through them. Vehemently, they avered that their methods weren't susceptible to such mistakes and even ordered me to fully accept those result, no transparency and no verification.

All those circumstances didn't stop me from tenaciously knocking the gates of the agency . Ofcourse sneers and mockings of the people there hurt my feelings, but I was determined that anything I had to face would be worth it if i could get my scores corrected.But the day when I was branded the name "Idiot" and forced to leave by security personnel like an intruder was my breaking point. Burning rage hissed through my body like a deathly poison, screeching a demanded release in the form of unwanted violence. The wrath consumed me, engulfing my moralities. But the fact that I couldn't do anything turned that burning rage right back at me. I was burnt to hopelessness , losing meaning in life. I felt like the world was slowly disappearing in front of me,or may be it was me who was fading away. Nothing mattered to me at those times. Because my empty burning lungs and my heart hitting my chest so hard i thought It would break my ribs were the only thing I could think about. I felt the void, the black hole deep inside my soul swallowing all my hopes and dreams.

I spent several days at home in that state. But as time went by, I began to feel like nothing happened. Experiencing this emotional breakdown temporarily made me numb to any other situations. But I never stopped thinking about it ; the more I thought about it, the more I learnt. I realized failures were one of the faces of life; They were the ones that spice it up and make it dynamic. I understood that my ultimate purpose wasn't solely passing that exam. I knew It was far beyond that. With so much ahead of me to live for and so many other chances waiting for me to grab them, I told myself that I shouldn't lose hope. Finally, what I came into conclusion was in order for me to heal altogether, I should remove any feeling of hatred I felt towards those authorities. Putting the blame on someone wouldn't help me , rather it would create venegeful or unhealthy feeling inside me, I thought. So I forgave them. Eventhough it took time, my self-therapy,with the help of god, became successful. The new me ,energetic and hopeful young man, began to blossom again.

Meanwhile, my high school had appealed to the agency to solve my case. Surprisingly, this appeal managed to get through those adamant authorities and so score verification ensued. I was over the moon when I heard the news that my score was corrected and I passed. Though it happened so late, It was still hysterical. What's more, my score was the highest in the national level.

I became completely astounded by how those past weeks had been for me. The experience of those all completely different sets emotions was unique . I came to realization that a man's soul needs Hope to live , as his body needs air to live; The minute he lost hope is the minute he is dead.AS ---------- says.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 10, 2014   #2
Amanuel, this essay would be more compelling if you did not use the backdrop of the meeting to start it. That is one reason that your word count went over the limit. You were discussing two themes instead of one. By removing the back story related to the meeting, you will find that you will be able to bring the word count down to 785 at once. Then, by adjusting the content of your essay to center immediately on your failure during the exam and what you did about it, you will be able to bring the word count some more. You don't need the additional information of how your friends came to you and you logged into the results page, etc. By removing that, the word count will go down further to 706 words. Bringing you far closer to your word count limit of 650.

If you can manage to make those major adjustments to the content of your essay, you will find a way to bring the word count down further to your goal of 650. We can also help you achieve that word goal after you have made the revisions to your paper. Maybe we can find a way to work together to edit some of the content for wordiness and perhaps eliminate more unnecessary sentences. At this point, I do not dare do that for you because I do not want to accidentally remove something that may be of importance to the paper. Only you can tell which parts are superfluous and therefore, deletable. I can jump in with more help after you have done your part in editing the paper :-)

While this new essay is greatly improved, it is still overly dramatic. The over dramatization of events on your part has caused the essay to lose the strong impact it should have had. I believe that once the dramatics are lessened, the content of the essay will be viewed seriously and with great consideration for what happened to you. This is an academic essay which also serves as part of your interview process. So you need not be so creative in telling your story. Instead, be direct to the point and provide only the necessary information pertaining to how you solved the problem. Do you need help in choosing the salient points of your essay? I can make suggestions regarding which paragraphs you should keep and what you should omit. The suggestions should help you further take down the word count and create a tighter, more informative, and direct to the point essay :-) Let me know if you require that kind of help :-)
OP Amantesfaz 1 / 1  
Nov 14, 2014   #3
This essay is actually for common-app( didn't understand what u said with academic essays) Any ways I used those expressions to make it aesthetic But If they are detrimental I can reduce them. love it if u can give me the suggestions.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 17, 2014   #4
The way I see it, your essay should only come in a number of parts. I see it as follows:

1. You took the test
2. You failed the test
3. You contested the results
4. You passed the test after score verification.

Those are the most important parts of the essay that should be discussed. The way you were treated by others, how you felt waiting for the test, etc. are all fillers that detract from the point of the essay. Sticking with an outline that represents your event in a quick yet concise manner always helps to retain the interest of the reader.

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