English is not my first language so please correct my mistakes.I think i have too many run on sentences and other common mistakes
This is my admission essay to a high school in USA. "What appeals the most to you about our school ? "
Compelling myself to be able to get into a school in America has passionately been my lifelong dream and finding which school that best fits me among more than 200 boarding schools in the United States seems to be really difficult. There are moments that I'm tired of clicking a whole lot of websites and read all the boring given information. However, surprisingly, when I went to P's school website, by the time I clicked " Explore P ", I knew that I no longer had to wander around to seek for things that I need because they are all displayed there, with real people and real examples.
Unlike other schools' website, I strongly feel enthusiastic to learn more about P. I suddenly feel like as if they are all real life people talking to me and show me the way , not just like those sites which are full of words and statistics. These people in all the videos has made me realize one different thing that other schools' websites don't have : P students are not just wrapped up in their own P's community but more than that, they are concerned with the world around them and ready to challenge themselves to face risks and find possible solutions to deal with them in the best ways.
I have never had such a strong and wonderful inner sense about the warm, diverse, elite and interacted environment of P than ever before.
I have enthusiastically watched all the first video till the last one in the "Explore P" section and I believe that not only will P bring its faculty and students the opportunity that may last a lifetime but P become a force for good, challenging and engaging experience that each and every person are well prepared to take as well.
The Arts, Academics and Athletes are spectacularly amazing and It truly seems that P school's dedication to all these are beyond wonderful. Since my school doesn't have any classes that are related to art, I honestly think that P can provide places where I can shine by my own talents and pursuits.
Consequently, as I turned off my old computer to get to my own school's work, there is no doubt in my mind and my soul that P is clearly a place that I can stabilize my knowledge, empower my wings, and make them strong enough to fly high with my passions and ambitions.
P school's website has done a great job to make new students like me has such a good and amazing impressions on its school and its abilities to awaken the potentials and help the students discover their own powerful voices that somehow I totally forgot that I do have one.
(*) P: is a name of a high school
I'd edit for grammar a bit, but since I'm going to advise you to start over, I don't see much point. Ask yourself what you want the essay to say about you (intelligent, dedicated, etc.), then write it in such a way that it does. At the moment, all I can tell is that you get bored easily and are capable of a sycophantic level of insincerity. At least, that's the impression I got. It might be inaccurate, or even wholly wrong, but that doesn't matter -- you need an essay that gives the reader a much better first impression. You might try reading some of the other essays on similar topics that have been posted here to get an idea of how you should approach this essay.
You could start the essay with the moment you clicked "Explore P" but only if that school is truly a perfect match for you and you can explain why.
Thank you EF_Sean and EF_Simone for your feedback.
I really really appreciate it.
I will definitely rewrite the essay but I dont know if I should choose another thing to write about, instead of the school's website.
And Yes, i was truly impressed when I clicked " Explore P", I think I will try starting the essay with that moment.Thank you Simone :)
If you are sticking with this essay, you need to add far more specific details to demonstrate your general points of praise for the university, and you need to tie those details in to qualities about you. The essay absolutely must be about you, as well as about the school. After all, the admission's people already know about the school . . .
I have rewritten the essay and I hope that its better than the last one.
The bold sentences are what I'm not sure about. It doesnt sound good to me.
Any feedback is welcome and Thank you so much in advance!
I would say that P's school website appeared at first to me was just like any other school's website. Unexpectedly, moment I clicked on "Explore P", the interactive tour has immediately represented me the whole different view about P, not only about its excellence in academics but in social development as well.
As I enthusiastically watched all the videos, these has given me a general knowledge of what P actually is. For me, the interactive tour with videos that made by P's teachers, parents and students, is a big success of its creativity. Through those videos, I can understand what P's students and teachers truly think of its school as well as the parents. I think it's not all about P's statistics or achievements that could make a person who first come to the website want to apply to or like P's school but it is about how its students and faculty actually feel about being at P . All of these has strongly impressed me at my first sight.
Eventually, by everything I have seen and been told, I realize that P's students are not just wrapped up in their own P's community but they are also concerned with the world around them. I myself have been a volunteer for Operation Smile for two years and if I get accepted to P, I know I will continue doing this to an extent because P has demonstrated its commitment to give back to the community as much as possible throughout the whole academic year. In addiction, after doing community service in local places and hospitals, I realize that it has been a very important part of who I am today and taught me about happiness without personal necessities. "Building home for the poor, Landscaping, Green Initiatives and stuff... " - P's community involvement is truly fantastic.
Furthermore , personally speaking, I find that the Arts, Academics and Athletes are spectacularly amazing and it truly seems that Peddie school's dedication to all these are beyond wonderful. Art is my passion since I was just a little kid. After I saw the "Winter Student Art Show"on the website, I was completely stunned by its creativity, beauty, originality and impressive ideas of its students and how P School cares about its creative life of art. And I truly believe that P can provide me some places where I can shine by my own talents and pursuits.
On the whole, P school's website has done a great job to make new students like me has such a amazing and wonderful impressions on its school and its abilities to awaken the potentials and help the students discover their own powerful voices.
You could say everything you do now in about half as many words, and have a much stronger essay. For instance:
"I would say that The P's school website'sappeared at first to me was just like any other school's website. Unexpectedly, moment I clicked on 'Explore P', the interactive tour has immediately represented me the whole different view aboutsold me on P, by showing me that it focuses not only about on its excellence in academics but o n social development as well."
Thank you so much for your feedback EF_Sean.
I'll try do it that way.
