Here is my college essay for Rutgers University. Please tell where I need to improve and eh mistakes that are illustrated.
Rutgers University is surely a vibrant community of people from different backgrounds and experiences in which I wish to become a part of. Personal experiences of my own can add to the endless groups of diversity at Rutgers. Not only will my experiences benefit others, but experiences from other students will also benefit me. One of the greatest benefits for me is that the diverse community of Rutgers is just like home for me. I have lived in Jersey City my whole life with groups of nationalities different from myself. Diversity is nothing new that I am capable to handle.
From a glance, I appear as a typical Asian kid who has only interacted with the race of his own. I am not diverse if one plainly looks at skin color, race, ethnicity, or religion. But diversity is much more than factors that blandly judge a race, especially in a school of higher learning in Rutgers. Diversity has always been a part of my life since the beginning of my schooling. Ever since elementary to high school I have been part of a diverse community. I have commingled with different races and acquired knowledge of their culture, as well as I contributing back knowledge of my own.
At Rutgers University, I would feel at home with the diverse population that exists there. My high school, William L.Dickinson, consists of about 3,000 diverse students. During my senior year I was a member of key club, T.S.A, and editor for the school's newspaper; the Dickinsonian. Key club consisted of a diverse group of people who were willing participate in helping and taking on responsibility, such as myself. T.S.A contained hard working students of different ethnicity to work together. The school newspaper was where I spend most time with a diverse group of people. During my time on the staff, I personally known and collaborated with a most diverse group of staff members that taught me an immense amount of their culture and heritage. With the knowledge they taught me, I had incorporated their teachings into articles for the school's newspaper. I have adapted to working and interacting with different people and capable of conceding when others do not agree.
How will Rutgers benefit me, and how will I benefit it? To me, Rutgers will provide a similar community that I am currently living in with a vast cultural community. It will further my education and knowledge, and associate me with new colleagues. To Rutgers, I will bring knowledge of experience from working with diverse groups, determination to succeed, and an approach to help my fellow adversaries. Living an entire life of diversity, I believe that I would contribute to the vibrant community of Rutgers as well benefit from it.
I would actually recommend you to make your thesis have 2 different examples. That way, you have neither too many commitments, which will make you seem superficial, nor only one, which will make you seem too concentrated on one concept. Sentence structure and such are good though.
First, never end your sentence with a preposition. Rutgers University is surely a vibrant community of people from different backgrounds and experiences in which I wish to become a part of. This sentence is grammatically incorrect.
Second, the first two paragraphs are repetitive and they are repeating the words that were stated in question which is something you shouldn't do.
Third, if your Asian expand on your culture. Tell Rutgers how your culture would benefit to the diversity of the community.
Finally, don't just talk about meaningless accomplishments and clubs, rather talk about an experience that has shown why diversity is important to you.
You should read other essays on this site for Rutgers University to understand what they want.
