Hey guys, it would be much appreciated if you could help me with my college essay.
I'm applying to schools such as Carnegie Mellon, NYU, BC, Brandeis.
Thanks in advance:
Every once in a while, when you least expect it, Death's cruel embrace reaches forward and abruptly takes hold of a person you love. Last summer, Death took my friend and close companion, Jeffrey Lee, from my grasp. Only this time, Death came invited. On July 15, 2011, Jeff had taken his own life. I remember everything that day: the 7:00 phone call, the frantic scurrying to get to Jeff's house, the crying and the denial. I was in denial even when I saw his lifeless corpse. He's sleeping, I told myself. He was tired. He's sleeping. I remember thinking, the day before the funeral, as I lay down in my bed, "Why isn't he waking up?."
Jeff's funeral was moving, to say the least. I had never seen so much grief and mourning, collected and amalgamated into one spot. I looked around at the several hundred people, all with their heads down, silent tears dripping down onto the pews. An unmistaken air of grief and despair had made itself present. And as I continued to look around, I realized something. Jeff's life was not only his. Since the day he was born, and until the day he had died, the decisions, actions, and choices he made influenced not only him, but also those who he had come to love and in turn, those who came to love him. In essence, Jeff became a part of their hearts and lives, and when he had selfishly made the decision to take his own life, a prodigious amount of people had lost a part of him in their own lives. Indeed, our actions and decisions are our own, but our hearts are not.
Jeff showed me that my life is full of those who love me and support me, and because they do so, they become a part of my life, and I become a part of theirs. I know now Jeff was too late to realize something that I have come to finally understand: because these people love me, they want me to succeed. I realize now that there are several people in my heart who want me to accomplish my dreams and goals. This is why I am not willing to give up. There may be some dreams that appear far-fetched right now, some goals that seem unattainable. Yes, for me alone, the work that must be put into reaching those dreams or goals is, euphemistically put, daunting. The beauty of it all; however, is that I am not alone, nor will I ever be. Suddenly, that dream doesn't seem like a dream, it seems like it's just another thing that must be added to my daily planner. And I just can't wait to check it off.
A month before he died, Jeff told me that he would be there when I needed him. And he hasn't faulted on that promise since.
I hope you have not sent your essay because even though it is not very helpful for your application, there is plenty of space for improvements:
1) The essay seems too focused on your friend rather than you (2.5 out of 3 paragraphs). Try to reverse the proportion, i.e describe how the death of your friend affect you for the majority of the essay.
2) Frankly, the 1st paragraph would fit better into a story than an essay as it sounds like a forced attempt to show rather than tell (which I know you may have heard from countless books on essay that it is a good thing to do). Remember, you only have so many words to use, and show off your literary/poetic sense to talk about someone else is not space-efficient.
3) In your defense, however, your 2nd paragraph moves seamlessly and elegantly from showing (the funeral scene) to telling (about how the loss affect you). If I were you, I would make change to the 2nd para. and make it my 1st paragraph, and with a twist make the 1st to be the last paragraph - sorta like in media res. A suggestion for this twist would be like so (just some raw ideas): his death inadvertently brings revelation to your mind or he might have not been wise in doing so but he left a legacy worthy of more than any wise words (don't try to sound like preaching). Ex: "...his lifeless body, lying there amid the sobbing of his family, was more forceful than any orator standing on the podium talking about the meaning of life..."
For this emotional kind of essay, I would suggest that you ask for your female relative (they are better than female teachers) to comment on the content. The writing can be proof-read by anyone. Good luck
