Hi:) I really want to be a member in Duke community and this essay is for my Early Decision this year. Please feel free to give me suggestions and comments!
The word limit is 150, but this draft is 168 now... Hopefully someone will help me with it :)
Really appreciate your help!!!
If you are applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences as a first year applicant, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you? (Please limit your response to no more than 150 words.)
Duke's Trinity College attracts me for its interdisciplinary academics, strong sense of community, and peaceful setting. For instance, the Focus Program offers the opportunity to explore my various academic interests from an interdisciplinary perspective. Many academic realms can never be understood independently, such as economics and sociology, leadership and ethics. This interdisciplinary view will give me new academic stimulations in interpreting economics and foster my various academic interests.
Moreover, I am a gregarious person in nature and I enjoy joining the community through supporting Blue Devils sports teams, especially the basketball teams. Living with others in tents for weeks to get tickets and sharing the pursuit for success, I can make good relationships with friends and maintain them after graduation, which would be the most worthwhile part for me.
Lastly, I have lived in a busy city my whole life. Having a walk with friends in the Duke Forests and reading books under a tree in the Duke Gardens, I can enjoy a peaceful new experience at Duke.
Your first paragraph is very good because you address specific things about Duke. You start in a "straight to the point" fashion that attracts the reader. Your second paragraph, however, seems weaker. What you are trying to convey is unclear. That second sentence's structure is not coherent. Try rephrasing and connect that second paragraph back to Duke. How will Duke provide you the type of friendship you look for?How will it foster those friendships? Also, rephrase the last sentence for coherence and clarity.
You should remove the last paragraph and if possible, try to discuss more about the focus program and how you plan on actually taking advantage of the resources of the program and the Duke experience in general. -Admissions Advice Online
Sarah, your first paragraph is just a rehash of already well known information about the university. You need to develop a fresh paragraph that will show a clear interest in the classes, social activities, and other extra curricular engagements that Duke offers. Discussing those interests will help establish the reasons why Duke is a perfect match for you. Discuss those topics in a manner that shows a distinct interest on your part. Enhancing the perfect fit discussion even further. At the risk of sounding redundant, you need to parallel the Duke experience with your own interests.
The second paragraph does not really establish your interest in the activities you presented. So it just seems like you are going to be a spectator at these events. If Duke has any interesting team, whether academic or intellectual in nature that you feel you could participate in and help to enhance, then mention those and explain the connection between your interest in the activity and Duke.
The final paragraph does not really help move the prompt along nor conclude the essay. So you need to either strengthen that portion or simply write a new conclusion that best wraps up the reasons why you would fit very well into Duke.
:) Pretty thank you all !!!!!
I'll soon revise my essay based on your suggestions~
Thanks again !!!