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UF Application Essay-8th gradefailure turns into high school academic excellence


Lyss 1 / 6  
Oct 30, 2009   #1
This is my UF application essay. Feedback, comments, input, etc. would be greatly appreciated! This is due Sunday-Monday so help as soon as possible would be so beneficial! Thanks in advance! (And I'll be sure to read your essays, as well)

Prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

My heart pounds as I open the envelope that conceals my fate. Shaking fingers grasp the card within and eyes hastily scan its contents. French III Honors: A, U.S. History Honors: A, Physics Honors: A, AP Language and Composition: A, Statistics: A, Religion Morality: A, and Drawing/Painting I: A. My report card falls from my hands as I begin to jump ecstatically and exclaim from the top of my lungs, "First Honors! I finally have First Honors!" After three years in the making and close calls concerning borderline B-A grades, I finally accomplished my high school goal: to achieve First Honors.

Three years ago, I sat in the audience as my classmates were each called to receive Honor Awards during my Eighth Grade Graduation. I sat alone as the principal called name after name to the sounds of applause. Seeing their ecstatic faces made me realize I wanted to experience their excitement. I wanted to achieve Honors and be recognized for my hard work; I wanted to excel academically. At that moment, I set a goal for high school: to work relentlessly hard in my academics and one day hold the title of First Honors Student to my name. Moving onto high school in a new state (I moved from New Jersey to Florida) allowed me to start anew and focus on the goal I had set for myself.

Freshmen and Sophomore years passed, each containing their own accomplishments. Each quarter, I received Second Honors after being on the borderline of a B or an A in one class. In Freshmen year, my academic demon was Biology; Sophomore year, it was Algebra II. Come Junior year, I prepared myself for an academically challenging year. Rising Seniors had bombarded me with horror stories about Junior year being the most academically difficult. I entered Junior year with a bit of dread and fear, but overall a sense of anticipation. Would this be the year I finally accomplished my goal?

Amongst balancing Presidential responsibilities of the French Honor Society, being a Peer Leader, being active in my youth group, participating in Drama club, applying to be an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist, and finding time to volunteer at UF & Shands Hospital and St. Francis' Soup Kitchen, I managed to uphold my grades and finished the Junior year with all A's. I kept my eyes on my goal and never strayed away from what I wanted best. I worked and studied relentlessly to achieve the academic recognition I had always dreamed of. The year certainly was difficult but it tested how well I was able to balance all the responsibilities in my life- an attribute I feel will benefit me once I join the University of Florida. As a college freshmen, I know I will have challenging academic classes, but my high school experience has prepared me to take on those challenges, overcome any obstacles, and succeed. As a part of the Gator Nation, I want to be active in Student Campus Life: I want to join many student clubs and organizations, maybe play some intramural sports, become active on campus, and express my Gator pride at different sporting events. I believe the various group responsibilities I held throughout my high school career has prepared me to balance my Student Campus Life with my Academic Life. I believe moving onto college, as I moved onto high school four years ago, will set the stage anew and allow me to complete another successful chapter in my life.

acat6332 4 / 12  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
i like your beginning im attracted to it :)
i think you describe too much your academic record and thats already on your resume..i think you should put more information in one of those clubs or classes or challanges and not list all the ones you attended to, im also applying to uf so i need a lot of helpp

pleasee helpp :)
OP Lyss 1 / 6  
Oct 30, 2009   #3
Thanks for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated!
And I'll be sure to take a look at your essay, as well.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if I should have listed all my classes, clubs, etc. since I already put it on the resume. But I also thought it would help emphasize the 'busy-ness' of my life and how I'm able to balance responsibilities. I'm still wrestling with that paragraph, though.

So, should I add more information about club or class and how I managed to overcome a challenge in that club/class?
OP Lyss 1 / 6  
Oct 30, 2009   #4
Does anyone else have any more feedback?
kayyao 6 / 20  
Oct 30, 2009   #5
i live you introduction paragraph, it is intriguing. but is it a bit too long, like the 500 words limit thing.
i am also a fellow applicant to UF. good luck!
bmachado 5 / 23  
Oct 30, 2009   #6
there are a few awkward sounding sentences in there. I would recommend reading the essay aloud to yourself and you should be able to pick up most of them. I agree with the other commenters, you shouldn't re-list all of your activities and things. The purpose of the essay section of applications is to tell them things that your application might not say about you. If you really want to talk about your activities in your essay, then I would pick one or two and elaborate a bit more. you want quality over quantity. Other than that, it is a very good essay. I definitely liked the beginning of it.
OP Lyss 1 / 6  
Oct 31, 2009   #7
Thanks (:
And it managed to fit actually, with probably 400 characters to spare? (Before I started writing my essay, I was so worried that I would go over the limit)

Best of luck to you, too!

As for the awkward sentences/ listing of activities. I edited it a bit, so hopefully it's all good.
I ended up editing the last sentence to:

"Amongst balancing Presidential responsibilities of the French Honor Society, being a Peer Leader, and participating in Drama club, I managed to uphold my grades and earn First Honors. At the same time, I found time to volunteer at UF & Shands Hospital Jacksonville and St. Francis' Soup Kitchen, as well as apply to be an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist, and still finish my Junior year with all A's. I kept my eyes on my goal and never strayed away from what I wanted best, despite having a hectic schedule. I worked and studied relentlessly to achieve the academic recognition I had always dreamed of and wanted. The year certainly was difficult, but it tested how well I was able to balance all the responsibilities in my life- an attribute I feel will benefit me once I join the University of Florida..."

(Everything else stayed the same afterwards)
kvon99 1 / 3  
Oct 31, 2009   #8
"First Honors! I finally have First Honors!"

This statement of what you said seems kinda unnatural. To me it just made me think whether you actually said that or not or just made it up.

Seeing their ecstatic faces made me realize I wanted to experience their excitement
This sentence seems to literal and straightfoward you just state what you feel, maybe take a metaphorical approach. Try to use a different word than wanted.

Maybe... As I saw the ecstatic faces walk across the stage, I realized my aspiration to achieve.

With your sentence the way you have it, it makes it seem like you just want to achieve for the happiness, I think this way it shows how you have the desire to achieve.

I wanted to achieve Honors and be recognized for my hard work; I wanted to excel academically.
-you should use something other then wanted, this sentence is cliche the way you wrote it, make it something different. Use your senses in your writing.

At that moment, I set a goal for high school: to work relentlessly hard (different word then hard) in my academics and one day hold the title of First Honors Student (Not needed -to my name).

Moving onto high school in a new state (I moved from New Jersey to Florida) allowed me to start anew and focus on the goal I had set for myself.

(I moved from New Jersey to Florida) is not necessary, slows down the essay, "a new" space. Use thesaurus! for focus, and goal

Come Junior year, I prepared myself for an academically challenging year

- too informal for me, sounds like a flufff sentence. maybe include example fo preperation, maybe show how you studied and did hw when friends went out, how you didnt procrastinate (haha i dont think any student can not, well not me Haha :))

ising Seniors had bombarded me with horror stories about Junior year being the most academically difficult. I entered Junior year with a bit of dread and fear, but overall a sense of anticipation. Would this be the year I finally accomplished my goal?

had is not needed, use different word with horror. when you say junior year it sounds sounds like you dont like school. but overall sense of anticipation sounds fluffyyy.. maybe would this be the year my goal is accomplished?

Last paragraphh

you say i i i i i i many lines.

use something else.


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