It's kinda cheesy but feedback is much appreciated. :)
Question: Why are you applying to AUC?
President Roosevelt once said, "A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad." If you're asking me why I am applying to AUC, the answer is simple: I want to steal the whole railroad.
Everywhere I turn, I hear the words "I don't know," uttered in response to the simplest question: "What do you want to be?" That answer bewilders me. I started to think about what that question truly means. I've always seen it as a question that asks what your ambitions and your dreams are. When did that question become about your major, or the easiest thing to study? When did seeking knowledge become a must, a cumbersome task you have no desire doing?
I've always known what I wanted to do. Except for a time in sixth grade when I wanted to be a stunt double, I've always wanted to write. Writing to me was always more than just a hobby. It was a place of safety. I started out writing essays and short stories, but my first journalistic experience was writing articles for the school newspaper. At my previous schools this option was not available, so when the opportunity presented itself I seized it. It wasn't long after that, that they ask me to become the newspaper editor, and this became my main focus. My love for short stories still remains, but like Philip Graham once famously said that journalism is the "first rough draft of history." And who doesn't want to be part of history?
In my intensive search for my idyllic university, I have found that AUC is the perfect place for me to try and formulate a plan to steal the elusive railroad. It is one of the top universities in the region, if not the top. I know it will provide me with the perfect environment I need to establish my independence, and the freedom I need to express myself and hopefully reach my full potential. And maybe, just maybe, it will provide me with the tools I need to steal the whole railroad.
I did not check out AUC (no idea where it is) but here is my reaction reading your essay: you write well; not sure if you want "stealing the whole railroad" to be the central theme but yeah, that could be enough. Is there anything else you want to convey about yourself (aside from your greed to learn?)
Hi there!
"'I've always known what I wanted to do. Except for a time in sixth grade when I wanted to be a stunt double..."
Hilarious. The second phrase flips the first sentence cliche on its side, and adds a refreshing dose of self-awareness. It's what the best writers are able to do--write with authenticity. I'd almost recommend you OPEN with this, and get right to your passion for writing. It's much less interesting (and relevant) to pontificate on the purpose of education/the content in par. 2.
Also, be sure to target the prompt. Why AUC--specifically? What can the school offer you--what skills does it cultivate that will help you realize your vision for your future? This is underwhelming:
"In my intensive search for my idyllic university, I have found that AUC is the perfect place for me to try and formulate a plan to steal the elusive railroad. It is one of the top universities in the region, if not the top."
AdComs want students that are truly thrilled at the prospect of attending their university--so I think you can build a much stronger case here. They are looking for excitement and passion, and students that are ready to hit the ground running. So, unleash your most journalistic tendencies.
Keep up the good work!!!
Sincerely,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing
