UC application personal statement... Major Chemistry...

Please give me comments on my essays... really appreciate it...

Prompt #1 (transfer applicants)
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

My new life started three and half years ago when I placed the first step into the United States, a country of possible opportunities for international students. I was an international student when I came to Auburn, Washington; therefore, I myself had to manage my life independently from my parents and relatives. However, I obtained my ESL certificate in five months, and nine months after that, I achieved my High School diploma in United States. Taking advanced classes such as AP Calculus and AP Biology at the same time, I graduated with high GPA 3.94 and was awarded the Principal Honor Roll and Math Department Award. Two years ago, I moved to California to attend college and have achieved two Dean's Honor List certificates for Fall 2007 and Spring 2008.

My intended major is Chemistry, which is a subject that I have had a lot interest in since I was in the eighth grade. First of all, I studied Chemistry for many years in Vietnam, my home country, and accomplished several significant awards such as the Bronze Medal at the National Chemistry Competition, and certificates and awards for outstanding academic records for Chemistry. Therefore, I was well-prepared with Chemistry knowledge before beginning my academic in United States. Secondly, I'm interested in this subject because I would love to learn and understand how living organisms survive and reproduce. I believe that everything in this world involves chemical reactions and that Chemistry along with Biology and Anatomy are the key subjects of human body systems. My intended career is pediatrician; therefore, Chemistry is the right choice for me to prepare knowledge and career in medical field.

So far, my employment and volunteer work experiences have helped me learn many lessons about. I am a licensed cosmetologist, a job that usually needs me to work with chemical substances. Therefore, thanks to the experience working with hazardous chemicals, I have learned how important medicine are as well as the chemical reactions that occur when they enter the human body. Moreover, my volunteer experiences at the Medical Records department at Garfield Medical Center have given me the cognition of hospital environment and how patients' medical records are filed; thus, I have the basic ideas about hospitals' settings and which in turn helps me to build up experience over time.

Not only just being a full-time college student, I have to balance my family commitments with work and preparation for medical school. I'm now living with my grandma and one of my uncles. They are getting old and need a lot my assistance. Besides the full-time classes' schedule, I have to go to work as cosmetologist at weekend and the whole summer for financial issue. Right now, I am volunteering at Garfield Medical Center and have almost completed one hundred hours of volunteer work. At the same time, I'm preparing to obtain a pharmacy technician license by self-studying. Because becoming a pharmacy technician would give me more chances to work with medicine and useful experience for my future pediatrician career as well, I believe this is one of my proper plans to prepare myself for medical school. Doing all these things together at once, I have to balance the time between school, work and family, and I believe I have done it well.

Because I know how to prepare myself, manage schedule, plan properly as well as continue to achieve my goals , I'm happy to be a good daughter who afford to take care of my parents when they come to United States, a role model for my siblings, an useful relative for my family and a helpful classmate toward my friends. Even though I have a lot responsibilities and tasks, Chemistry helps me to focus on my goal, determine correct plans and become a successful pediatrician. Choosing United States to start academic has opened the new door for my life, and now I believe that attending one of high-quality universities of California would be next meaningful movement in my pathway of success.

Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Besides science, I also like art and have ability to express my creativity through cosmetology, home decorating and organization. Being a licensed cosmetologist, I have experience to develop and enhance my creativity. I usually help give my aunt new hairstyles; however, the interesting thing is that I do not create the style based on any example, yet I design it by my own ideas and attempt to make it match with her body and facial figures. I love using different materials such as hair accessories, headband, and clips to change her hair from plain long straight to an elegant style. She is the owner of a company; therefore, the delightful and graceful appearance is really important to her. It shows her self-respect and her respect to people surrounding. Especially, for every different event, I am willing to design the new hairstyle for her so that it helps to enhance her beauty and confidence as well as create her new good-looking. The hairstyle would not only represent my creative outcome but also combine hairstyle, outfit design and individual's appearance all together. After every single time of creation, I feel happy to help others and make others happy. It encourages me to create and design more interesting styles.

I express my art through not only cosmetology but also by decorating and organizing my grandma's house. I'm now leaving with her so I am the only person to help her keep the house organized and clean. I usually like to select and buy materials which I use to build shelves by myself. In order to create more space for her house, I have to design the shelves good, neat and stable enough. Moreover, I usually decorate around the house for Christmas and Lunar New Year holidays.

My ability to create and interest in art impressive myself and people surrounding me because they give me more chances to work with subjects and fields besides science. This personal quality is important to me and is a big part of my life that will even make me a better pediatrician. Thanks to my creativity, I would love to research for new solution when being a medical doctor. Creativity also gives me the ability to build up ideas and make them become effective consequences.

rephrase, sounds weird..


OMIT.. don't mention anything you will mention in the rest of the application!!


OMIT..

In the first prompt, you didn't mention about what you gained from your involvement.. and your phrasing should be improved.. I can see that you have a lot of experience and it would be a shame if a weak essay ruined your chance to be accepted..

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Try not to mention something you've mentioned before.. use your chance to write a second essay to introduce new things..!


grammatically incorrect..


TOO arrogant..


we already know that from your first essay.. and it is irrelevant to the 2nd prompt.. it doesn't relate to the person you are..

Overall, you have to rephrase many things that doesn't sound right in both essays,, and you have to focus on relating your essay to the prompt.. you have to reflect both essays on yourself..