Essay to University of Mary Washington
I play Ultimate Frisbee, a sport falling somewhere between Soccer and Football that involves two teams and a flying disc. Having been involved with sports since I was young, I was disappointed that the high school I had chosen to attend had none. After two years of supplementing my need for sports with recreational soccer, baseball, biking, and snowboarding I decided to make a change. I got together with a couple of students and we organized a team, practices, a coach, and we trained for the local high school Ultimate Frisbee league.
We played, and we lost. We lost by margins small and large, but we always lost. Throughout this impressive streak of failure, and despite all odds, we had a great time. By the end of the season we were solidly in last place. I would like to say that in post-season play we cohered into a powerhouse of skill and grace, going on to win the championship. Unfortunately we lost our first couple games and ended our season the way we had started it; but to my surprise one of the tournament managers approached our coach and presented him with a large trophy.
Unlike other sports, Ultimate Frisbee is based around a core idea known as "Spirit Of The Game", the belief that integrity and fun should never be sacrificed for competition; it is the player's responsibility to referee the game and preserve fair play. Our team had exemplified this, never being sore losers, and often hanging out with the team that we had just obliterated us on the field. We had maintained our integrity and earned the respect of all the other teams over the season. Our competitors had unanimously nominated us for the spirit of the game award.
I feel our current culture suffers from a lack of principle, everyday people are willing to bend their morals to attain their goals. This is reflected in almost every facet of our society. People download music they haven't paid for, Politicians accept money from special interest groups, and wars are fought in resource rich lands for questionable causes. As in the story above, I am not satisfied with state of things, so I seek a change. My academic interest focus on politics and international relations because I believe that our leaders must change before the populace will follow.
I realize that I am an 18 year old with grandiose ideas, but in college I want to develop a comprehensive understanding so that later in life I can institute change. I don't want to add to the problem by becoming an activist against this or for that, my goal is a shift of political perspective. I play ultimate Frisbee, and as foolish as it sounds, I want to change the world.
What a wonderful essay! I really enjoyed it. Particularly impressive is the last sentence. It does a great job of summing up, in one sentence, what you have told us about yourself in the preceding paragraphs, and linking them in a way that makes the reader smile.
I have just a few little editing suggestions:
"Spirit Of The Game", - In American English, commas ALWAYS go inside the quotation mark (except that, when referring to a single letter, like "Q", it goes outside like that).
often hanging out with the team that we had just obliterated us on the field. - take out "we"
I feel our current culture suffers from a lack of principle, everyday people are willing to bend their morals to attain their goals. - the comma after "principle" should be either a semicolon or period. I think period might be best. Also, in this context, "every day" is two words. "Everyday" means something ordinary or usual, like "She was wearing her everyday jeans."
Politicians - don't capitalize it.
resource rich lands - hyphenate this adjective: "resource-rich"
My academic interest focus on - say either "interests focus" or "interest focuses"
I don't want to add to the problem by becoming an activist against this or for that, my goal is a shift of political perspective. - the comma should be a semicolon (or period).
Great job! Best of luck!
thanks a ton for the quick feedback Sarah, I really appreciate it, and the changes you suggested are being implemented, thanks again.