Please critique it. Let me know what I should change. Thanks
1.Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?
My interest in Syracuse University came about during the annual college fair at my school. Prior to what I learned about Syracuse at the college fair, the only thing I associated Syracuse University with was its lacrosse team. Every year, our varsity lacrosse team watches film from college games and, out of all the teams, Syracuse has been one of my favorites. I vividly remember watching as Syracuse defeated Cornell in such a thrilling overtime victory to win the NCAA championship this past year and hoping that I could play at that level one day. That was how I first got interested in Syracuse University, but my interest to apply was based primarily on the academics and the diverse programs which the university offers. After talking to the college representative at the college fair, I learned that Syracuse University offers many opportunities for those students interested in pursuing a career in the medical field, which is what I hope to do one day. Many doctors whom I have spoken to while working in the Valley Hospital have enthusiastically spoken about Syracuse and how it would provide the educational background and foundation I would need to continue my education in the field of medicine. After hearing such positive things about Syracuse University, I decided that this school would be a great fit for me and that I would have a great experience there during my time as an undergraduate.
2.If you have had paid work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
Over the past 4 years of my high school career, I have never had any paid work experience. All of my work experience has been unpaid and simply for community service. Every summer for the past 4 years, I have volunteered in the Valley Hospital in Ridgewood, NJ. During this time I have provided nearly 200 hours worth of community service simply for the opportunity to work in the hospital setting and learn more about the medical field. Recently, over the past summer, between junior and senior year, I started an internship program with the Director of Cardiac Surgery at Valley, Dr. Alex Zapolanski. During this internship I was able to work with the surgeons with their ongoing research projects regarding the surgical applications and benefits of Plavix, a commonly used blood thinner. By helping with these projects, I learned how important it is to communicate properly when working in a group, as we were most of the time while collecting and compiling data. While working in the hospital and observing surgeries, I have also leant the importance of teamwork in the OR. The surgeons doing the surgeries and procedures are constantly communicating to ensure that they know what is going on. This, I learned is very important, especially since they have a patient's life in their hands when they are doing a Coronary Artery Bypass Graft, or a Valve replacement, or some other tricky, complicated surgery on the heart. My internship continues all through my senior year, and because of this I have learnt to manage my time better. I have learned how to take part in my extracurriculars, school, and internship all at the same time without having to miss out on anything. This is an invaluable skill especially because I will be able to manage my time better in college as well.
3.Our mission of Scholarship in Action extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your academic interests, tell us what real world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse University as part of this mission.
One thing which I want to continue throughout my college experience is volunteer work and research that I have been doing in the hospital setting, wherever that may be. I want to expand the work that I have done and hopefully utilize the study abroad programs offered at Syracuse University to travel to a developing nation and take up an internship there, where the problems people face are much different than those that we face here in America. Problems like epidemics and hunger; problems which the majority of us Americans have never had to worry about in our lives, problems concerning I believe that a study abroad program of this nature would be a truly rewarding and educational experience.
As a highschool student living 1 minute away from SU, I can confidently say that your " why SU" adequately conveys your interest in the school. School spirit and sports are a big deal at SU. On a different note, I suggest you add " Let's go orange" somewhere near the end to truly cement your interest.
While working in the hospital and observing surgeries, I have also leant the importance of teamwork in the OR
I think you meant learned, not leant.
I think you did a great job answering the questions. You get your points across and let the school know your passions and interest in the school. I would add something more specific for the third question, like a travel abroad or medical program offered at Syracuse.
I'm also applying to Syracuse! Best of luck to you!
...but my interest to apply was based primarily on the academics and the diverse programs which the university offers. (let's see if the next sentence backs up this claim with an example...) After talking to the college representative at the college fair, I learned that Syracuse University offers many opportunities for those students interested in pursuing a career in the medical field -----so do lots of colleges. Nope, you have to name something specific.
Many doctors with whom I have spoken to while working...
:-)
good luck!
