If you've read my "Why BU" essay, the first paragraph might sound familiar. I recycle essays. Don't hate. Any feedback is very very welcome.
Basic Prompt: Why are you applying to The George Washington University?
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I shuffled off the subway, trying not to run over anyone's toes with my luggage. Embarrassing. I dragged the heavy bag onto the escalator and rode up into the sunlight, seeing Washington D.C. for the first time.
I was there with my family on vacation. For three days, we toured the city, stopping at all the important places. The White House, the U.S. Capitol Building, the Washington Monument - we filled each day with a plethora of activities. I loved walking through the city and staring up at the pillared buildings towering over me. I've always wanted to live in a big city, after 18 years of living in a quiet beach town. I love the lifestyle, the mindset, the nightlife, the music scene. Washington D.C. has all these things and more.
There's also a vibe of importance that hums throughout the city. There are so many important people and so much history, and I would be honored to live so close to the people who help our country run successfully. I would be most excited to be near the White House, as The George Washington University is a mere 4 blocks away from what will soon be the home of our new president, Barack Obama. I currently attend his alma mater, and am both proud and hopeful at what he has accomplished by becoming our next president.
There are so many aspects of The George Washington University that appeal to me. For one, there are so many different paths of study that are available to students. I don't know yet what I want to study, but I know that whatever I choose to do, the school will provide a quality education and help me to become very successful. I love that the school is a city campus, and from what I've heard, the dorms are amazing.
Another aspect of GWU that I would love to be part of is the vast social network, offered through professors that have a lot of experience in their respective fields. I also realize that my future would benefit greatly from the job opportunities and internships that are made available to students through the employment office.
I believe that the George Washington University is the perfect fit for me, and I truly hope that I will have the opportunity to contribute to its future.
*edited for minor changes...
I like the idea that apart from that copied intro you had, you had topic sentences for the remaining paras. So the idea brought forth are clear. So I think you did a pretty good job. :)
Avoid contractions like I don't know yet what --> do not
Avoid numbers: mere 4 blocks away --> four
its prob bit late but i dont think comments such as
I currently attend his alma mater, and am both proud and hopeful at what he has accomplished by becoming our next president.
are really needed for why GWU essay
my teacher alway say that using the word "thing" is not a very effective way of showing that you care about the topic in which you were saying. Change it into an adj. like "qualities"
always wanted to live in a big city,...I love the lifestyle, the mindset, the nightlife, the music scene....honored to live so close to the people who ... I would be most excited to be near the White House... a mere 4 blocks away from what will soon...I love that the school is a city campus, ... the dorms are amazing.
This (above) kind of sounds as if you're using the school to get to the city. Can you mention your love of the city only briefly? Then focus on the schools good points, great resources, etc. You can find out all about the school, classes, professors, etc. on their website. So far, all you say about the school is that there are many different paths of study available.
Good luck!
:)
