Hello! I have a rought draft of my uc prompt here and i would like to know if i need to add, take away, change anything in this essay? Any help or advice would be GREATLY appreciated! thank you! :)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Living in a one bedroom apartment composed of three younger siblings ages 15, 11 and 10 has always been hectic. It became even more hectic once my father was the only parent running the house and supporting us in every way. By being born and raised in a family like this has definitely shaped who I am today and how I was able to make one of my best accomplishments.
My father is a man who puts his children before himself, if we need something he will get it for us, if we are sad he will care for us, if we are mad he will try to understand why. As a result, he ends up spending a great deal amount of money to provide four children with food, shelter, clothes and help pay for anything else that we need to live. Once I was about to start college I started to worry about how much my dad will have to spend in order to pay for my school supplies, books, clothes and any other financial fees I would need to pay for. Since I was a kid I would never like to ask my dad for money, I always felt bad because I knew he wouldn't have much to just give away and I would rather let him put it to good use. On the other hand, as college approached I figured I was going to have to ask my dad for money more than I wish I would have too.
Then, I began to think about applying to jobs during college so that I could pay for my own fees, books, food, clothes and anything else I would need. However, my dad didn't want me to have a job during my time in school. My dad feared that because I would have a job I would start to not have time for school in which would cause me to have bad grades. Nonetheless, I still applied for a job, but without telling my father. I ended up getting an email for an interview, then I got the job and I would be starting winter quarter. I told my dad I got a job on school campus and he didn't like it at first, he warned me that if I do bad in school he would want me to quit my job. I understood his concern, but I knew that I wouldn't allow myself to get to that point.
This leads to my accomplishment that is important to me. My accomplishment was getting a job to use my own money while also succeeding in school. Now days, I don't ask my dad to help me out with any financial issues because I have my own source of income and I can rely on myself. Also, it makes me feel proud that I can handle a part time job with being a part time student. Working at least 15 hours a week with at least 15 units per quarter was tough to get used to, but not impossible to get through. There were times where I was struggling to finish my homework or study, but I had to sacrifice time to do other errands and focus on what was important. When I wasn't working I was making sure I did homework/studying, and when I wasn't doing either of those my only reason would have to be that I was working. This has shaped me to be more independent and determined. By being independent I am able to get a little taste of the actual world in which the person who I have to rely on the most for anything will be I. I will have to rely on myself to make sure that I don't slack off and if I do, the only person I can blame is myself.
jenn89
My accomplishment was getting a job to use my own money while also succeeding in school. Now days, I don't ask my dad to help me out with any financial issues because I have my own source of income and I can rely on myself.
If you could look at my essay, I would appreciate it!
"By being born and raised in a family like this has definitely shaped who I am today and how I was able to make one of my best accomplishments."
B eing born and raised in a family like this has definitely shaped who I am today and how I was able to make one of my best accomplishments.
__________
"My father is a man who puts his children before himself, if we need something he will get it for us, if we are sad he will care for us, if we are mad he will try to understand why."
Because "My father is a man who puts his children before himself.", "If we need something he will get it for us.", "If we are sad he will care for us." and "If we are mad he will try to understand why." are all sentences on their own, those commas should be semi-colons (;). Alternatively, you could change the sentence to something along the lines of: "My father is a man who puts his children before himself; who will, if we need something, get it for us; who, if we are sad, will care for us; and who, if we are mad, will try to understand why." You could also break it up into two or three sentences. It may seem like a lot, but I think it flows a bit better.
__________
"As a result, he ends up spending a great deal amount of money to provide four children with food, shelter, clothes and help pay for anything else that we need to live."
As a result, he ends up spending a great deal of money to provide four children with food, shelter, clothes and anything else that we need to live.
__________
"Once I was about to start college I started to worry about how much my dad will have to spend in order to pay for my school supplies, books, clothes and any other financial fees I would need to pay for."
Once I was about to start college I started to worry about how much my dad would have to spend in order to pay for my school supplies, books, clothes and any other financial fees I would need to pay for.
__________
"Since I was a kid I would never like to ask my dad for money, I always felt..."
Since I was a kid I never liked to ask my dad for money. I always felt..."
__________
"...money more than I wish I would have too ."
...money more than I wish I would have to .
__________
I stopped looking at grammar around halfway through. Some of the "My dad..." sentences could be changed to "He...". Also, I think it would help a lot to have the structure changed a bit, so that what you want to say in the final paragraph isn't only said at the very end.
Sorry if this seems like a lot! I think you chose a really good topic, but should maybe focus more on the job rather than your father's financial struggles. I'd appreciate a bit of feedback on my short answer response in return as well!
