Hello all, I'm new here and am hoping to get some editing on my paper. I am a sophomore applying to Mays Business School at A&M. There are a limited number of spots and this paper determines whether I get in or not. There are no requirements for the paper, but my advisor says I need to include why I'm better than other applicants, what I will do with my degree etc. My advisor also said I should be "businesslike and to the point." I used this website some to help me: unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/business.html
Any and all suggestions will be appreciated!
Dear Appeals Review Board:
I am seeking a transfer into the very prestigious Mays Business School. A business student should be ethical, intelligent and quick to make decisions, but not leave their common sense at the door. During most of my life before coming A&M, I was in the Boy Scouts of America eventually becoming an Eagle Scout. With the skills I have gained during my journey to becoming an Eagle Scout, I will be able to lead my peers and achieve high marks in my classes. When I first started thinking about what I wanted to be when I "grew up," the first thing that popped into my head was marine biologist due to being influenced by my favorite author. Then a few years down the road, I started working as a bagger at HEB Grocery. Soon after I became a cashier and started asking my managers about what they did. The processes and operations I found out my store goes through on a daily basis amazed me and made me realize I wanted to be in that kind of work. With my business degree, I plan to get a job that interacts with many different people on a daily basis (i.e. HEB) and allows me to represent the professional Aggie Spirit.
I realize many people apply for a very limited number of spots in Mays, but I believe that with my leadership skills instilled by Boy Scouts, good grades in my classes and high drive to succeed, I will be an excellent addition to Mays Business School.
Good morning :)
Make sure you are placing commas after every item in your lists. For instance, "intelligent" should have a comma after it. Look carefully through your essay for other instances such as this one (as there are more) and make those corrections before final submission.
In your closing you mention good grades and a drive to succeed, yet you haven't discussed those in your paper. Make sure that you don't introduce new information in your conclusion, and that your conclusion reiterates the main subjects that you wrote about in the content. Since you didn't discuss your grades or your perseverance, I suggest either adding the appropriate sections and material in your body pertaining to them, or remove them completely from your closing.