I think I need to trim some fat
Any response is appreciated
There are thousands of colleges and universities. Why are you applying to Occidental? What distinguishes it from your other choices?(2000 character)
Why Oxy? Because Oxy's globally aware atmosphere, civic engage program, and close-knit relationships will support me to realize my dreams.
In terms of academic, I am first drawn to Oxy's global awareness. I have always wanted to help my country Taiwan to be accepted as equals in global conferences; and Oxy's Core program will expose me to multicultural studies so I can redefine my complicated Taiwanese identity and reexamine issues across the Taiwan Strait in a global-scale. I also want to participate in the Oxy at UN to experience how global politics works, and seek effective diplomacy to help Taiwan when China has risen to the new world power and blockade Taiwan's economy.(Should I leave this out?) Moreover, at other schools I can only focus on one subject, but the Independent Pattern of Study allows me to blend and delve into my multiple interests in Biology, Sociology, and International relations.
Furthermore, Oxy's emphasis on social justice and civic engagement directly speaks to my desire to challenge social structure. Brought up in an underprivileged background with an absent father, I have to work harder than my peers for my educational goals. My experience has given me the burden to participate in the Upward Bound Program to help hardworking underprivileged children to realize their dreams.
Lastly, I am attracted to Oxy's intimate and cooperative Living and Learning Community. I want to make close bonds with passionate professors who invite students to lunch and active peers who are ready to change the world. At my dorm, I look forward to exchanging ideas about global issues from the US military deployment in Afghanistan to the disappointing Copenhagen Accord. In addition, the cooperative atmosphere appeals to a perfectionist like me. For instance, the individual grading system allows me to challenge my own limit instead of always competing with others. What amazed me the most is that Oxy's students even cooperate to apply for the same scholarship.
Scrutinizing Oxy's vibrant website and brochure, I believe that after four years of unparallel education at Occidental, I will be ready to contribute to my country and address social injustice with many active, intelligent intimates.
You should certainly leave out the sentence "and seek effective diplomacy to help Taiwan when China has risen to the new world power and blockade Taiwan's economy". It is unwise to touch such politically sensitive information.
You have mentioned specific aspect of "Living and learning Community", which is very impressive.
After all, it is a good essay.
I personally disliked the whole blurb about Taiwan. I understand that it's your identity but you make it sound as if the only reason you are going there (at least for the beginning half of the essay) is because you are Taiwanese and you want to "help" Taiwan which is quite ridiculous because as a college student, you won't be able to do much anyways.
And, make sure you definitely take out the part about you diplomatically helping Taiwan against China; also, I understand that you are trying to come off as someone who is globally aware, but you need to re-write some phrases because you don't come off that way. Lessen it a bit and transitions are important. Maybe incorporate what YOU HAVE DONE instead of simply saying, "i look forward to debating with my roommates about the global issues" because the latter sounds really superficial.
Sorry to respond so late
just got back from Church
Thank you for reminding me
Yesterday when I wrote I struggled whether to add the diplomactic part
I though that this would explain the situation more
But obviously, this creates an irrational tone
I will fix my essay and post it up
Thank you for your detailed response^^