Please help me fix this up. It was surprisingly difficult to write with such few characters.
While searching for colleges, Lehigh was one of the few that I could not just pass by; I had to apply to it. Many people do not consider security a real reason to apply to a college but when you are planning on living there for four years, I believe it is an important quality. I learned that Lehigh has one of the most secure campuses in the country and maintains its own police force right on campus. Lehigh is not only a very secure campus, but also it is very prestigious. As a future science major, the science facilities are what really captured my eye. Lehigh University has numerous research facilities on campus and it encourages students to work along side of professors to find solutions to endemics we face today to try to make for a better tomorrow. As a very committed student, I can contribute to everyone on campus my personable attitude and my perseverance. My personality will help motivate those around me, and it will show my professors I am eager to learn.
^If you can, read this over and tell me what you think. Thanks :)
You might want to include a catchier introduction. Good transitions and nice flow.
You forgot the "not only, but also" concept.
"Not only is Lehigh a very secure campus, but it is also very prestigious."
While looking at colleges Lehigh University provides students with a high quality education,
For your intro you can write; I have been looking at many different colleges and universities trying to find the one that suits me, and I did not think I would find the perfect college for me till I found Lehigh. Or
While looking at colleges and Universities, Lehigh is the only college that I could not pass without applying. I feel in love with Lehigh for two major reasons: security and prestige
thank you both! :)
It doesnt say much about you and i think you talk too much about the campus. if this is your introducton u should introduce yourself and about you. they already kno about the campus so u dont need to go into detail about it.
It is supposed to be a very short essay <1000 characters so I don't really have room to create and intro/body/conclusion
1000 characters, it's about 180 words. I agree with Erin, you may include your field of interest. You did mention science, but it's too broad, everything is science. Overall pretty good, you thougt about security, that's distinctive(far better than my always talking academics in why essays).
