For some reason I can't write essays as well as I used to, so some help to review my passage would be helpful :) It is very rusty.
Well it isn't really an essay, it is more of like a "short answer" thing.
I am entering a community; my actions will impact everyone surrounding me. This is why I think it is important to make sure that the admissions office knows that I am the perfect person to contribute to the SVSM program because I am opportunistic and appreciative, I spark intelligent discussions, and I will be a friend for others. First off, I am an opportunistic and appreciative person. For example, I visited my brother in Wilmington. Even though he had to work most of the time while I was there, I took that opportunity to explore Wilmington on my own. I visited the beach, I tried new foods, and visited the local shops downtown. I understand the summer program is a privilege that is meant to be taken advantage of. I always try to get others involved in such opportunities. I will also be appreciative of the fact that I will learn with hands-on experience since I don't get that privilege at my high school. Next, I will naturally contribute to the community by being a leader and sparking interesting discussions. If there is a group project, I am usually the one who contributes the ideas and takes the responsibility of being the leader. My group members always automatically look up to me to see what needs to be done. I always spark interesting discussions about what we've learned. I ask why something is the way it is and spark new topics of the subject that have not been thought about. Finally, I think the most important thing for me to contribute is the friendship of others. I would love to make new friendships and it make the experience even more enjoyable for the both of us. As much enjoyable memories there are, there will always be the hard times. I want to be a shoulder for them to lean on. I understand that being away from home are hard on some teenagers, even adults. I will help students get through those tough times. I know what it is like to be away from home, I travel a lot by myself whether it be by plane or car. Like I said, once I enter a community it will impact people around me. I understand the importance of contributing to the summer program, that is why I will contribute my opportunistic and appreciative attitude, my leadership and knowledgeable discussions, and most importantly, my friendship.
hm,, I don't know what it is, but I think the first sentence is rather odd. Perhaps u should put it differently, perhaps, like this? 'Whenever I join a community, I will always contribute something to others' well, smth like that.=)
This is why I think it is important to make sure that the admissions office knows that I am the perfect person to contribute to the SVSM program because I am opportunistic and appreciative, I spark intelligent discussions, and I will be a friend for others.
what about, ' I am opportunistic, appreciative, friendly, and full of bright ideas." ( if u know better vocab, pls feel free to use it. bcoz eng isn't my 1st language, so I think u know better ) hehe
My group members always automatically look up to me to see what needs to be done.
this sentence, umm,, I think it's great cuz it shows ur leadership ability, but I think it's also too straight forward, which makes it somehow sounds rather cocky. If I were u, I would rephrase the sentence to something that sounds more humble.
I think that's all my advice, hope they'll help =)
oh,, and thanks a lot for critiquing my essay =)
Thanks Jane. I am not very good at communicating and putting down my thoughts on paper. I can never really come up with the right word. I like the bright ideas part, and I think I will change the "always automatically" part to "tend to".
Thanks again for your help.
Yeah, the first sentence is a statement of the obvious. Even though it is nicely written, it is too obvious to be interesting.
I suggest a word other than opportunistic -- ambitious, maybe -- because opportunistic carries negative connotations.
For example, I visited my brother in Wilmington. Even though he had to work most of the time while I was there, I took that opportunity to explore Wilmington on my own.----If you say this, it makes the reader think you cannot come up with any examples that are more impressive... exploring a city is not as impressive as other things you have done...
If there is a group project, I am usually the one who contributes the ideas and takes the responsibility of being the leader. ----This is a good, substantial example.
I am an opportunistic and appreciative person. ----this is just an empty claim
I want to be a shoulder for them to lean on.---this is another good sentence
You need more good sentences about real experiences and intentions. What is going on with your career, which will be starting only a few summers and winters from now? Let's discuss your enthusiasm as a product of your aspiration.
Like I said, once I enter a community it will impact people around me.---this is not a strong theme. It is meaningful, but it is too obvious.
I think your focus on enthusiasm is great, so take out some of the less important sentences and make room for more discussion of the vision for the future that makes you so enthusiastic.
