I need help finishing one of the application essays for Stanford. I think this has the makings of a good essay, but I'm not sure how to end it. Any suggesstions on how to improve it, end it, or shorten it are well appreciated.
The Stanford community is deeply curious and driven to learn in and out of the classroom.
Reflect on an idea or experience that makes you genuinely excited about learning.
(100 to 250 words)
Everyday, I walk to school from my house, and these daily walks usually entail me discovering a new logical conundrum that I explore to no end.
For example, one day, I decided to listen to Arabic music during my walk. As soon as I played it, I visualized a big, bustling bazaar within a wide, magnificent desert as the energetic rhythm of middle eastern chants and instruments played. I could feel the rhythm flowing through me as my footsteps began to match the beat of the song.
As humans, we indulge in constant rhythm through our music, languages, and even our heartbeats. Regardless of cultural background, rhythm is ingrained into everyone's lives, so much so in fact, that it's even a part of some of our biological functions.
Once I realized this, I couldn't help but pause my music and ask "why?"
Different possibilities surged through my mind. Did the humans evolve to instinctively search for rhythm, or has it always been a part of us? Did humans create the concept of rhythm, or has it always been an established idea.
I failed to think of a convincing answer to my original question. So instead, I unpaused the music and returned to the Mediterranean desert landscape I had visualized before. I didn't abandon the search, though. Rather than just listening to the song, I paid attention to how the sound changed from note to note, and I studied the mathematical pattern the music created.
@Abraham29
HI there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback suits you well.
While I find that the first parts of the essay are alright, I think that the utilization of the storytelling pattern didn't fall in a better manner. What you could have done was to try and compartmentalize the writing in a more substantiated manner. What this pertains to would be to try and compress information in a more appropriate sense. Doing this would definitely add that professional flair into the writing.
The transition from the Arabic music to the part about learning needs to be improved as well. You need to emphasize more on precisely the reason as to why this has urged you to pursue learning more. Try and be more logical; take everything step-by-step when you can. Doing this would help instigate a more intricate set of writing.
