What draws you towards Bates? Consider the mission and statement to answer the question.(word limit :less than 500 words)
'With ardor and devotion - Amore ac Studio - we engage the transformative power of our differences, cultivating intellectual discovery and informed civic action'.
I am a passionate learner. Every time my teachers taught my class new topics, I asked questions about concepts that weren't clear to me. But I always ended up getting answers that barely made me satisfied. So later that day, I shared my confusion with my friends. Within no time, our conversation would turn into a debate, with most of my friends trying to prove that my concepts about certain topics were flawed. However, I wouldn't be satisfied by their arguments, even though I listened to them carefully. So I pondered upon those topics for hours. Finally, after carefully considering my friends' arguments, my teachers' answers and my own point of view, I would come up with logical conclusions for my queries.
The fact that Bates respects differences in perspectives and employs them to come to appropriate conclusions draws me towards the college. In addition, the remarkable history of enrolling student African-American slaves as students to respect the differences in color and inclusion of women in their first batch of students to respect the differences in gender, makes my admiration for Bates stronger. But to respect differences and openly admit what you believe in takes a great amount of courage. Every time I tried to question the validity of certain concepts and show my friends that there could be other feasible possibilities, the odds always seemed to be against me; most of my friends believed the other way round. In spite of being in the wrong side of the number supporting the cause, Bates has always stood for what it has believed. The support of optional SAT policy is the true testament of its bravery. To be a part of Bates would be to be around like-minded like me, who support what they believe in and respect differences. Eventually, among similar people like me, I can evolve into a person with a good knowledge about different issues that would help me to support the right cause to make the world a better place.
Hi Sam! I am wondering if you have a specific supplemental essay prompt to respond to or if the quote you provided is the actual prompt? Are you being asked how you embody the quote and live it in your daily life or something? I'd appreciate a clarification regarding that because I would like to know what direction to take the editing of your essay into. Anyway, even without it, I can already offer you some pointers to help you better present your essay.
We need to work on the form. The presentation is too muddled and confusing to read. Try to use paragraphs when discussing events in your life. The spaces on the page will help the reader keep track of what he is actually reading and also aid in the understanding process. I think you can divide this essay into at least 3 paragraphs, including your opening statement. Speaking of paragraphs, can you tell me what your maximum word count for the response is? 2 paragraphs is definitely too short for a response essay. I believe you should have anywhere from 3-5 paragraphs here in order to properly discuss your answer to the prompt. You just need to know where to divide the paragraph topics. Regardless of what the prompt may be.
Now, let's address the grammar issues that exist in your essay:
that barely made me satisfied me.
considering my friends' 's arguments, my teachers' 's answers - an apostrophe s connotes ownership.
In addition, the remarkable history of enrolling student African-American slaves as students in order to respect the differences in color and the inclusion of women in their first batch of students as a show of to respect to the differences in gender, makes my admiration for Bates stronger.
But to To respect differences and openly admit what you believe in takes a great amount of courage.
In spite of being in on the wrong side
always stood for what it has believed in.
For me, T to be a part of Bates would be to be around like-minded like me persons,
Eventually, being among similar people like me,
Oh sorry. While pasting my original essay here...the structure jumbled up a bit.My concern was would this supplement stand out?.Is the content fine?
What draws you towards Bates? Consider the mission and statement to answer the question.(word limit :less than 500 words)
Considered statement: 'With ardor and devotion - Amore ac Studio - we engage the transformative power of our differences, cultivating intellectual discovery and informed civic action'.
I am a passionate learner. Every time my teachers taught my class new topics, I asked questions about concepts that weren't clear to me. But I always ended up getting answers that barely satisfied me. So later that day, I shared my confusion with my friends. Within no time, our conversation would turn into a debate, with most of my friends trying to prove that my concepts about certain topics were flawed. However, I wouldn't be satisfied by their arguments, even though I listened to them carefully. So I pondered upon those topics for hours. Finally, after carefully considering my friend's arguments, my teacher's answers and my own point of view, I would come up with logical conclusions for my queries.
The fact that Bates respects differences in perspectives and employs them to come to appropriate conclusions draws me towards the college. In addition, the remarkable history of enrolling student African-American slaves as students to respect the differences in color and inclusion of women in their first batch of students to respect the differences in gender, makes my admiration for Bates stronger. To respect differences and openly admit what you believe in takes a great amount of courage. Every time I tried to question the validity of certain concepts and show my friends that there could be other feasible possibilities, the odds always seemed to be against me; most of my friends believed the other way round. In spite of being the wrong side of the number supporting the cause, Bates has always stood for what it has believed. The support of optional SAT policy is the true testament of its bravery. To be a part of Bates would be to be around like-minded like me, who support what they believe in and respect differences. Eventually, among people like me, I can evolve into a person with a good knowledge about different issues that would help me to support the right cause to make the world a better place.
For one, the grammar is a little sloppy. i.e: try not to start the sentence with But and instead combine it with the preceding clause considering that they are related, and your current structure has them disjointed. Also, you later continue that with "So, later that day" - when earlier you stated that this happened every time, so there is a clear disjunct between your times in your essay.
Likewise, the essay does not flow very well for me. While similar, I argue that the difference between with your friends and Bates' decision to include slaves and women is too large to make a relevant connection; also, the fact that they support an optional SAT policy does not stand much for the common sense of the word "bravery" and is diminished by the fact that a true testament of bravery (allowing slaves and women) was stated beforehand.
As for the content, I would say that the essay does not really give me a good reflection of yourself. Do note that in all essays, you should be trying to sell yourself, as a product, to the school, the consumer. Your essay, however, seems a reflection of something that is rather commonplace among other peers and does not serve to differentiate yourself from the many other applicants who will be applying as well. I suggest you write with something more specific in mind and connect that to Bates' mission statement. This essay is simply much too shallow and broad.
