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"around my family" - university of central florida essay #2


fortmizery166 1 / 1  
Aug 10, 2009   #1
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

I'm around my family way more than I probably should be, but I don't really see that as a bad thing because they have made me who I am, which is a compassionate, trustful, fun-loving person who will always be there for anybody I know, and a person who doesn't give up on much. I love my family and being around them because there's the feeling of security and familiarness that you don't get from everywhere else. Plus the support my family gives me that makes me feel as though I can do anything I dream of. From being around my family I've learned that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how hard something is you have to try your hardest cause other- wise there's no point in doing it at all. They have also given me the courage to try and be a teacher which has been a dream of ever since I can remember. At first i thought they were gonna oppose my decision becuase most of them are barbers and i was thinking they all wanted me to go to cosmotology school but they all were incredibly supportive, which has given me even more courage to try and obtain my goals.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 10, 2009   #2
This essay is 206 words. Are you sure this is ok?

I'm around my family way more than I probably should be, but I don't really see that as a bad thing because they have made me who I am

This is unnecessary. In addition the rest of this sentence is a run on statement.

I love my family and being around them because there's the feeling of security and familiarness that you don't get from everywhere else.

I don't believe this is necessary either.

Plus the support my family gives me that makes me feel as though I can do anything I dream of.

What are these dreams you speak of.

From being around my family I've learned that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how hard something is you have to try your hardest cause other- wise there's no point in doing it at all.

You had to learn that everything has a reason from your family? This is quite broad. What made you come to this realization?

They have also given me the courage to try and be a teacher which has been a dream of ever since I can remember.

I would say that it is Your dream not just a dream. Omit "ever since I can remember"

At first i thought they were gonna oppose my decision becuase most of them are barbers and i was thinking they all wanted me to go to cosmotology school but they all were incredibly supportive, which has given me even more courage to try and obtain my goals.

Not a good ending.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 10, 2009   #3
I'm around my family way more than I probably should be, but I don't really see that as a bad thing because they have made me who I am, which is a compassionate, trustful, fun-loving person who will always be there for anybody I know, and a person who doesn't give up on much.

Whoa! Way too casual! And this sentence is way too long.
tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 10, 2009   #4
I'm around my family way more than I probably should be, but I don't really see that as a bad thing because they have made me who I am, which is a compassionate, trustful, fun-loving person who will always be there for anybody I know, and a person who doesn't give up on much.

^^ yes, sentence is way to long and too casual. + i would like you to start off your essay with something else.

I love my family and being around them because there's the feeling of security and familiarness that you don't get from everywhere else. Plus the support my family gives me that makes me feel as though I can do anything I dream of. From being around my family I've learned that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how hard something is you have to try your hardest cause other- wise there's no point in doing it at all. <--- if your going to say this, it would be nice to have an exAMPle of some sort of a time when this has happened.

They have also given me the courage to try and be a teacher which has been a dream of ever since I can remember. At first i thought they were gonna oppose my decision becuase most of them are barbers and i was thinking they all wanted me to go to cosmotology school but they all were incredibly supportive, which has given me even more courage to try and obtain my goals. <-- you ended on a weak and cliche note. "obtain my goals" is what i mean. i see what you're saying about the barbers thing, so maybe you should expand on that idea?

i know its a word limit, probably 250 words, but im guessing, you should take one of these examples, and make one extended example out of it? that way it can be SUPER specific and SUPER good. as of now it seems like your trying to get a lot of ideas in there and it doesnt seem to be as specific. Plus i dont at all see really how they have influenced who you are :(

im sorry.

good luck!! :D
OP fortmizery166 1 / 1  
Aug 11, 2009   #5
ya i decided to start completly over, it was my first try at it. thanks for the help though!


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