Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 8


'art and architecture' - UC Prompt #1 - My World


Occidentalis 1 / 2  
Nov 19, 2009   #1
What do you think of this essay? Is the alliteration overwhelming? Does it distract from my main points? Does all the A alliteration appear arrogant?

Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations:

I've always aspired to awesome altitudes, and the agents actualizing all these ambitions are the area I abide in and all the animals I abide amongst. I aim to actualize an adept analysis of an apparent anomaly in science, and allow all after to add area to all that's apprehended. I also aim to author an adroitly arranged image, and act as adeptly as I may at dramatic arrangements.

At first, assorted articles analyzing astrophysics left about my abode aroused my affection for science. All my advisors offered accounts advocating attempting pursuing these ambitions. An area of the library accommodating analects of accepted science addressed all ambiguities in my apprehension of these affairs, and animated additional admiration for all research. The aborted activation of a certain atomic accelerator also assisted in aiming my aspirations at applications of accelerated particles, although an almost atom of aliment adjourned activation again.

As I aged and began to appreciate all the art and architecture around, my adoration for art accumulated and adapted to accommodate assorted approaches. Although I approached art again and again in often antithetical attempts, I always aspired to assume the aura of archetypal art as alluded to in Plato's aesthetics, which assorted adults acclaimed as attractive. The atmosphere of aesthetic axioms and the apt adornments of art arcades around actuated my diversification. I authored aphorisms and asteistic allocutions, I attempted adumbrating arboreal abstractions, I abducted the appearances of appealing areas into my camera, I assembled arrangements of arbitrary articles into artworks. After assaying all my assorted attempts, with ample advice from my acquaintances and art authorities, I ascertained the acme of all my art was photography, and now I allot ample time to advancing it. I've not abandoned all other attempts, merely allocated my ardor more along photographic angles.

All around my world are amphitheaters for performing assorted acts, and they've always affected my aspirations. At a young age I auditioned at an area theatre association, and after I attained an almost astonishing addiction to acting. All advantageous acting opportunities I acquired allowed the acceleration of my ardor to act, and all assistance I added backstage availed the aggrandizement of my adulation for theatre. The aura of acting animals about also assisted in molding my mind towards acting as an acceptable artifice for subsisting.

Finally, the ambitious atmosphere around assisted the aggregation of all my assorted aspirations into an actualizable assembly by aiding the attrition of aimless ambitions.

Š 2009 Andrew Lampinen
collegen00b 1 / 1  
Nov 19, 2009   #2
You used a lot of words that start with A.
OP Occidentalis 1 / 2  
Nov 19, 2009   #3
Wait, really? I hadn't noticed. ;)
bonjouramelie 1 / 9  
Nov 19, 2009   #4
Yes the A's are incredibly distracting it sounds like the words were picked out of the thesaurus.
OP Occidentalis 1 / 2  
Nov 19, 2009   #5
Alright, thank you. I'll rewrite it. (They mostly weren't out of a thesaurus, by the by, but I understand how it appears that way)
shinji344 1 / 3  
Nov 19, 2009   #6
It seems unique that you used A for alliteration, but this type of English tool should not be used in any sort of personal statement. Yes, the prompt not only sounds overwhelming but it is also arrogant, vague, and not perceptive. (I'm not here to insult you; I'd rather help you instead (=)

Try to be descriptive with your details and use examples along with them. Although you did in your statement, it would be difficult for the reader to know what the examples were.

Good Luck (=
danielas82192 2 / 3  
Nov 21, 2009   #7
I definitely think that a lot of the words arent necessary.

"I've always aspired to awesome altitudes, and the agents actualizing all these ambitions are the area I abide in and all the animals I abide amongst. I aim to actualize an adept analysis of an apparent anomaly in science, and allow all after to add area to all that's apprehended. I also aim to author an adroitly arranged image, and act as adeptly as I may at dramatic arrangements."

Your first paragraph is pretty overwhelming, and it seems like you are trying to sound smart..? Not in a mean way, but you should consider rewriting it and letting your words come more naturally.
kevpham 1 / 3  
Nov 21, 2009   #8
although i agree that there were a lot of "A" in the essay, it was pretty well written.


Home / Undergraduate / 'art and architecture' - UC Prompt #1 - My World
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳