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Art and me -an experience that helped me know what's important to me-corrections pls


danado0ona 5 / 13  
Nov 5, 2010   #1
hello,
this is the prompt: USC's speaker series " what matters to me and why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.

This is my first draft. i need feedback, opinions and grammatical corrections.
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"ACTION!" the director shrieked as I was drinking a glass of water, getting ready for shooting. The interviewer started to talk; it was a TV show about children's hobbies. I was almost 10 years old and it was my first interview on TV. I prepared very well, put a little bit light shadow on my eyelids, a pinky lipstick and wore my favorite dress; I was excited. I felt more my self in front of the camera although I used to hear that it's terrifying. My father used to videotape every move I did since I was a baby, So, I think I was used to it.

I had three hobbies to present, which were painting, playing piano and singing. I started with my first hobby, which was painting. Painting was the first thing I learnt; I've lived my whole life with colors surrounding me, both my parents are artists and so does my grandfather. It was the first language I used to communicate. My paintings were so creative and full of imagination and colors. They express what inside of me. Painting gives me the freedom of revealing my imagination and the confidence of expressing without fears.

Then I shifted to my second hobby, which was playing piano. I played two pieces of music; the first one was Cinderella's "Bibbidi bobbidi boo" piece of music, which I learnt at school, and the second one was a piece I wrote myself. The piano has always helped me to release stress, anger and erase negativity. And the sound of the piano opens my imagination and always speaks to my soul. Every time I feel like I want to talk, I talk to the piano by only pressing its keys.

The third hobby I presented was singing. I sang an old Kuwaiti song with my father playing the Oud (an Arabian instrument). I was influenced with all kinds of music since I was a child, from old Arabian music, to classic music to modern music. And I think that having ears for melody gave me the ability of producing tones and the talent of singing. Singing increases the internal power inside of me and shows me the hero inside of me.

Colors, music, creativity and imagination have been always surrounding me in my whole life. And the interview made me realize that one of the most important things in my life is art. It gives me strength, confidence and hope. Art always colors my life and makes me see life in a different way. Art always helps me see the beauty beneath everything. Art always helps me in getting out of sadness and pressure; it adds life to my life. And it helps me express my feelings and thoughts.

Art always fills my life with creativity and stretches my imagination. So, I believe that art would help me in every field I would work in, and especially in the field of film & television production. It always inspires me in writing and imagining stories. And every time I want to write something I just listen to music, play piano or draw a picture. It gives me ideas and let me see what's beyond everything.

(536 words)

thank you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13320 129  
Nov 14, 2010   #2
Here is an unnecessary sentence: I started with my first hobby, which was painting. You can take it right out.

Then I shifted to my second hobby, which was playing piano.---You can add some words to this sentence so that it tells something more than just the fact that you did piano next. You can add words to this sentence so that it expresses the THEME or idea of the paragraph. Do not just tell the story. Tell what the story means.

For example, I really like this concept: And every time I want to write something I just listen to music, play piano or draw a picture. It gives me ideas and let me see what's beyond everything. This will help you in your tv and film career!
OP danado0ona 5 / 13  
Nov 20, 2010   #3
Thank you Kevin .. really appreciate it :^)


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