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'art has given me awards and satisfaction' -Extracurricular Essay

DarthMaul 1 / 2  
Oct 4, 2011   #1
I would be really grateful if someone proofreads the essay and correct all the errors.
Constructive criticisms would be really welcome. This is the 4th draft I made, and I personally feel that the essay is a bit too fast.

Thanks a lot in advance =)

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.
I plunged the brush into a small color bottle and dropped some water into the palette, completely oblivious to the surrounding frenzy. I swirled the dripping brush coated with bright cerulean color in water from the palette and with deep concentration, slowly moved the brush across the page to give a wash.

Much of my secondary and high school years had been spent attending art classes at a private institution and participating in various on-spot art contests. Yes, art has given me awards and satisfaction, but most importantly it has given someone as inept at writing as me the power to express myself. It has broadened my perspective of the world and enabled me to maximize use of my creativity. Regularly participating in art contests has also increased my competitiveness. I consider art a huge part of my life and I hope it will be an even greater part of my life in future.
drconfusion - / 2  
Oct 4, 2011   #2
Hey DarthMaul,

I'm sort of new at this, so my comments might be a bit off or simply ridiculous. Take that into account before making any drastic changes.

Your essay seems really good, however I think it would be better if you found a way to not start both sentences on the intro with I. Also, I think that the use of palette sounds repetitive.

Good luck!
OP DarthMaul 1 / 2  
Oct 4, 2011   #3
I think you may be right

It probably seemed ok to me since I am the artist as well as the writer but to someone different, the first para did not actually make sense.

What I am doing is first picking color with the brush and next softening the color in water and putting the color on paper.
Thanks for the suggestion. Any improvements you could make?

anyone else?
drconfusion - / 2  
Oct 4, 2011   #4
I feel you :)
I am also an artist (well, aspiring since it has been almost impossible to find a decent teacher/class), but with far less experience. I feel tempted to do some grammar and spelling corrections, but since English is not my native language I'm afraid I might ruin your essay.

For slowing the pace down I would say you could start by describing how you felt when you stood before the blank canvas. The sensations, emotions, burst of ideas. After doing so, you could continue with what you already have.

Regarding the first paragraph:
I understand what you want to say with the brush thingy, but don't really know how to put it into words right now + it would be better if your voice is kept.

It would also help your essay if after the brush thingy you wrote something more general (maybe how you feel about your art) - that might make the transition between the anecdote and the description a bit more smooth.

Again, this are merely suggestions from a unexperienced hs student who also happens to be a non-native speaker.
OP DarthMaul 1 / 2  
Oct 5, 2011   #5
Yes thanks a lot
Yeah there is a sort of discrepancy in the transition between the anecdote and the general description
I will try to edit it and upload soon.
BTW English is my second language

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