I would really appreciate some feedback on this essay. I am an international student, and there are few people around me that can review it.
Fold. Turn. Unfold
Fold. Turn. Unfold. The edge to the edge, as neatly as possible. I give the corners a glance of scrutiny seeking to find any imperfections. Un coup d'oeil to the intricate scheme, a couple of touches, and the paper phoenix is ready to join a humble company of its paper counterparts.
To unobservant eye, a piece of marble in a quarry was an unremarkable white rock until Alexandros could see the statue of Venus within. To an origami artist, a piece of paper is a blank canvas full of possibilities. My first acquaintance with the art of paper-folding was during one of the visits to my grandparents' house, when my grandfather, a passionate bibliophile, was carrying out a rescue operation for the books from his neighbor's shelves. The neighbor was moving out, and his books would go to waste paper hadn't my grandfather volunteer to take them. As a frequent visitor to our home library, I was thrilled about the newcomers. While I was contemplating their tattered covers, an orange book with unfamiliar symbols caught my attention. Although I couldn't read the symbols, the color illustrations prompted me to find a sheet of paper. And that was the time when all paper in the house began feeling redundant.
As the fingers of the ten-year-old grasped the basics of origami folding, paper squares transformed into boats and planes, flowers and boxes. To my parents dismay, documents and bills would often reincarnate as frogs and fishes. The book contained dozens of schemes, ranging from simple to more sophisticated. Skimming through the pages, I felt a thrill of excitement: I aspired to master them all. At first attempts, a result vaguely reminded of an intended shape, but small hands would stubbornly manipulate pieces of paper until they took the desired form.
Eventually, I could repeat every crease from memory, with my eyes closed. As I became more proficient, I began to experiment with various types, shapes, and numbers of paper, made additional crease lines to the patterns, joined several modules to obtain unorthodox shapes. Nonetheless, there were fewer and fewer new models remaining in the book, and finally, the golden phoenix, whose picture could be seen on the last page of the book, found its place on the shelf among my other creations. I didn't have to linger over 'what is next?' question, though; after spending a considerable amount of time on studying mathematics of paper folding, I decided to create my own origami designs. And this was a whole new beginning.
Although I still wonder how a Japanese book could possibly appear at my neighbor's house, I am happy that, by a lucky chance, it fell into my hands. Origami gave me an early introduction to algebra and geometry and inspired to several of my scientific projects. Moreover, my experience in origami had a great impact on my interest in robotics and technology.
But most importantly, the art of paper-folding shaped my approach to the world. Whenever I have a goal in sight, whatever I put my mind to, I do not hesitate to jump into the whirlpool of the unknown. I take pleasure in constant self-development and do not tolerate complacency: whenever one mountain is conquered, there is always another one lying ahead. Missteps and obstacles do not scare me, but rather invigorate to forge ahead.
In the end, sitting among crumpled sheets of paper, there is only one right choice I can make.
I take another square. And I try again.
Fold. Turn. UnfoldHolt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Assem, you have to make the connection with algebra and other scientific experiments with origami earlier in the narrative. Don't reduce that to a mere paragraph towards the end of the paper. Rather, introduce the fascination with algebra and geometry, as well as your scientific projects at the start of the essay. Make the essay sound a bit more fun than the serious tone it has now. Start off with something intriguing like:
What do origami, algebra, geometry, and a ten year old have in common? The answer? Me. Origami fueled my passion for intricate math concepts and linear assumptions at the age of 10. Back then though, I did not understand that these topics were inter-related. I just knew I enjoyed making the shapes out of paper....
You need to hook the reviewer with a fun introduction that, as much as possible, directly relates to you in terms of the topic presentation. Your essay is informative, but too focused on origami instead of origami in relation to you. You have to bring it to the present by talking about your 10 year old self just as an introduction. You have to present the information that you are still involved in this activity and present information as to how the activity has proven to be beneficial to you these days. Make the connection between talent and accomplishments evident in order to create a more informative and analytical presentation on your part. Think about where you would be if you had not discovered origami. Talk about how different your life might have been and how your college choices may have been different but because of origami, you know you have chosen the right college path, not course, for yourself.
