This is a rewrite of my U-Penn supplement, please let me know what you think. Is it too brief/does it need more transitions?
Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community?
I am very grateful that my parents have given me the opportunity to experience so many aspects of life-art, violin, gymnastics, yoga, and climbing. Through art and music, I am able to connect with people; I can bring them joy and brightness, move them to tears, and express emotions for which words aren't nearly enough. (I would also like to think that hours of drilling tedious sections of music has somewhat sharpened my memory.) Conversely, in my preoccupation with becoming a better rock climber, including long nights of pull-ups and dead-hangs and weekends spent at the climbing gym, I have learned to push my body beyond the boundaries already established in my mind.
Admittedly, there have been occasions when I have regretted pursuing so many ends simultaneously. But I think that ultimately, my parents and teachers have given me a multi-dimensional outlook on school and on life-something that I hope to contribute to the U-Penn community.
For me, U-Penn is the epitome of a liberal arts college, an invitation to wander beyond preexisting notions. It gives students perspective and the opportunity to put their studies in a greater context, and purpose to countless hours of research and studying. It allows students to explore as many subject areas as possible before committing to a single one. While I am particularly interested in biochemistry, I would like to keep my options open for the time being. The well-roundedness of the U-Penn curriculum will undoubtedly enable me to do that.
If I do commit to majoring in biochemistry, U-Penn offers one of the best programs that I have examined. It would be an honor to study biochemistry at the College of Arts and Sciences, and to work with some of the country's most brilliant professors. I am particularly intrigued by the work of Professor Roland G. Kallen on the regulation of voltage-gated ion channels, and I would love to be able to take one of his classes. Also, there are so many research programs, and the fact that students can start during sophomore year is simply incredible.
Biochemistry or not, I am very much looking forward to building upon my foundation of easels, violin strings, and shredded climbing shoes.
I like the end. You got really specific. Try to add in more specific things about U Penn. Also, the beginning although provided person details, I feel like you can provide more of a story rather than just stating facts. I think the problem is the person part and the why you like UPenn part are too separate. You should combine the two better and that would help with those transitions!
