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Art is my voice and peace - Common Application Essay Prompt #1


ysilmi 1 / -  
Sep 19, 2015   #1
Hi im applying to multiple schools near my area through the common app, and I was wondering if someone could help me with corrections on my essay? I am a very bad writer and am very shy to ask people for help on it! Thank you very much!

Let me know if you consider it interesting or not, and please be honest!
PROMPT #1: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Growing up as the oldest of four girls with immigrant parents has led me to bestow high expectations upon myself that leads me to always be the best self that I could possibly be, and give me the drive to push myself even further. However this has ideology has been challenged when I switched from public school to private school. Throughout ten years of my academic life I went through the public school system. A small fish in a big pond, very few people even knew my name. In search of a better education, my sophomore year of high school, I was put into a whole new environment, a small private school in Chestnut Hill. Along with the obvious pros of the switch, such as better resources and caring advisors. The cons included drastically the hardest transition that I had ever been faced with. I had to adjust myself in a new environment fast. One of the biggest transitions I had to face was my long commute on public transportation. Before this I had never ventured far out of my town to ever use public transportation. Unlike my old commute which was a quick five minute drive down the street, my commute to my new school was over 90 minutes of public transportation, which included three trains, a bus, and a migraine. This transition was extremely overwhelming for me. However it was a small price I had to pay for a better education. Along with the extensive transportation, I had to adjust to a rigorous and plentiful workload and schedule that I was not familiar with. Which led me to have hardly any free time all day, until arriving home at eight. During the first couple of months at my new school, I noticed that my grades began to drop drastically, and I began to get worried when the people around me were doing great academically without much hesitation, and I was struggling to keep a C in most of my classes. I was worried because even after a full year in this new school, I still felt unsettled and out of place. I began to constantly wonder what I was doing wrong, and began to feel extremely anxious. Due to this I began to have trouble sleeping. I spent nights not being able to sleep because I had too many thoughts running through my head. One night, when I couldn't take the numerous voices in my head, trapping me and causing me extreme difficulty in going to sleep, I stopped fighting my mind to go to sleep, I got out of bed and sat up at my desk. As soon as my pencil touched the paper, I began to feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. This helped soothe me because all the emotions and thoughts that were swirling in my head were now laid flat on a piece of paper. And I finally felt at peace. My art has been a significant factor in my transition. My art is not just a hobby, My art is my voice, and every time my pencil hits the paper my thoughts flow out like magic. Being challenged with such a drastic transition so early in my life has not slowed me down, however has taught me to never give up, and never get distraught from a challenge I am faced with. Instead to thrive on this transition and allow me to empower myself through it. I have had multiple challenges hurdled towards me these past years, and instead of feeling distraught, I didn't let these challenges define me, but instead empower me to face the challenge in the best way that I could. This transition has taught me multiple things, but most importantly, I can handle anything that it thrown my way.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 19, 2015   #2
Yasmin, I have to commend you for being able to portray all 3 elements of the prompt into one essay. That was a difficult thing to do and yet you were able to do it quite well. However, doing so also proves to be a drawback for your essay. The reason that using all 3 elements in one essay did not work for you is because the prompt asked you to opt for one element and then build upon that. This type of prompt requests you to represent one aspect of your personality that you believe will best impress the reviewer. Right now, the essay reads like a hodgepodge of little bits of information about you that remain under developed due to the word constraints.

That said, it is quite possible to actually revise this essay to become more interesting with a particular focus on your talent and how it is an integral part of who you have become. What you have to do is this, open the essay with an anecdote / story about a time in your life when art helped you become more open or accepting of a situation. I advice you to use the following as your opening paragraph:

During the first couple of months at my new school, I noticed that my grades began to drop drastically, and I began to get worried when the people around me were doing great academically without much hesitation, and I was struggling to keep a C in most of my classes. [...] My art is not just a hobby, My art is my voice, and every time my pencil hits the paper my thoughts flow out like magic

You need a much stronger opening statement than you currently have in order to catch the attention of the reviewer. I believe that the above paragraph will provide you with that opportunity. Then, use the succeeding paragraphs to build the relationship between art and how it helped you find your niche in the world. As the prompt indicates, you need to explain how art became so meaningful to you that you see art as something that you will continue to do in college. Explain to the reader how you plan to continue developing your unique personality using art while attending college. Doing so will portray the importance of art in your life and the development of a particular personality trait or character within you.

Don't dwell so much on your struggle to adjust and fit into school so much. It takes up too much of the essay and does not really help you to precisely respond to the prompt. It would be best to rewrite the essay and adjust the aspects I pointed out in order to better target the prompt response from your end.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 22, 2015   #3
I'll try to help out;

- Growing up as the oldesteldest of four girls
- ...myself that leads me to always be...
- ...the best self that I could possibly be,
- ...and givegave me the drive..
- However, this has ideology has...
-...very few people even knew my name.
- The cons included drastically the hardest transition that...
- I had to rapidly adjust myself in a new environment fast .
- ...a bus, and a migraine.
- ...and every time my pencil hits the paper, my thoughts flow out like magic.
- howeverit has taught me not to never give up,
-...multiple things, but most importantly,..
- ...I canable to handle anything that itis thrown my way.

Just a reminder when writing the word "and" it is not necessary to be followed by a comma, also, you have to mind your verb tenses, review on this language rule as well as your linking verbs that makes the sentence a whole.

I hope this helps.


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