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An artist's hands - UC Essay


gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
This is my first draft to the UC prompt:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It's a little bit too long, and some parts aren't as clear as I want it. Edit please :DDD

My harp teacher always said that my hands don't look like a musician's hands. They are callused, decorated with cuts and bruises that never seem to fade, and sporting a pinky that has been swollen since 2007. During weekly lessons, she would always cluck disapprovingly and shake her head

"These aren't an artist's fingers, it doesn't look like music should flow from them"
I didn't tell her until after I quit that I've agreed with her all these years.

I'm no masochist, but I am proud my misshapen pinky and cuts that mark who I am - a Color Guard member. Since Sophomore year, I have spent every free minute spinning singles on my flags, triples on my rifle, and quads on my sabre. It's amusing to see people's expression when they see my equipment, run their fingers along the smooth silk and gasp at the weight of the weapons. You actually toss these things?

But between weekly 17 hour Guard practices, harp lessons, as well as other extracurricular activities, I became physically and mentally exhausted. The busier I got, the more my teacher and parents began pushing me to quit Guard, that it was just a hobby while harp could become a career, and my peers didn't help either. Each week, I and would hear a colorful range of insults from the passing cars that throw Slurpees and coke bottles at my team. At practice, I would jam my fingers with my rifle or nearly faint from a metal pole ramming into my head, but the thing that frustrated me most was that all this pain seemed for nothing. I worked and bled week after week, and for what? Another soda can lodged into my hair? And let's face it, no one's ever even heard of Guard.

At least with harp, there was some respect. When I play, my neighbors literally stop what they're doing and listen to the notes floating out my kitchen window. I've heard complete strangers outside my house clap when I finish the last note, commenting on the painted golden leaves and velvet covered pedals through the window.

It seemed as if the world had already made and confirmed my decision for me, but the more I truly thought about it by myself, the more I disagreed with everyone. I realized how out of place and lonely I felt whenever I played the music that never seemed to reach past my ears, rough fingers plucking the strings - the way for five years I've hated my teacher's sharp voice and the recital audiences that demanded perfection. I love the way, after eight hours of Guard on Saturdays, my entire body would feel sore but I felt strong and accomplished, breathless in a good way. On the harp, I was always playing for others, but Guard was something that I did for myself, that didn't require other's compliments or approval to make me feel beautiful. During competitions, I would repeat my routines in my head - chase, leap, shunei turn. Set the rifle, toss it up, watch it turn four times, then catch firmly. But not once did I have to remind myself to smile, that I felt right in my own skin

For five years, I've been letting others tell me what is best and good for me, and the day I finally began to think for myself was the day that I quit harp. I told my teacher that I agreed, music wasn't meant for my fingers. On the field, with a flag or rifle rising or falling in my hands, I wanted to tell her that I do have an artist's hands. They were just meant for a different type of art.
Moonshadow0302 - / 68  
Nov 12, 2009   #2
It's an amazingly beautiful and well written essay! I can understand what you're trying to say. Sometimes we do things because we are told it is the right thing to do whether we feel comfortable doing it or not. Your decision at the end to do what you feel is right, shows your confidence in yourself and your focus towards your own goals. I think that's come out well.

You could shorten it by cutting out what is repetitious. For instance, you started out with your teacher saying that your hands don't look like a musician's. Three sentences later you say the same thing in quotes. Perhaps you could cut out the whole of the first part and start straight with the quotes and go on from there.

Each week, I and would hear a colorful range of insults from the passing cars that throw Slurpees and coke bottles at my team. At practice, I would jam my fingers with my rifle or nearly faint from a metal pole ramming into my head, but the thing that frustrated me most was that all this pain seemed for nothing. I worked and bled week after week, and for what? Another soda can lodged into my hair? And let's face it, no one's ever even heard of Guard.

I didn't understand this bit. Why do people insult you? Also the bit that I've marked in red, does not make sense. If you're good at what you do, this takes away from it. Makes you sound like a butterfingers.

whenever I played the music that never seemed to reach past my ears,

Also this sentence seems to contradict what you said earlier about neighbours and strangers applauding your music. Perhaps you can explain why you feel lonely playing the harp.

Just some minor tweaking should make the essay work better.
All the best!
OP gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Nov 12, 2009   #3
Thank you Moonshadow!! Your comments helped a lot!

It's kind of hard to explain Guard to someone who hasn't seen or participated in it. Guard is pretty unknown in my city, so people make fun of it because they think we're just randomly tossing equipment. And for the part where I talked about hitting myself all the time, that's an inevitable part of guard

Ahahha this isn't really part of my essay but watch it to get a sense of what Guard is :DDD

youtube.com/watch?v=08lbAs6_-UQ (skip to 30 seconds cuz the beginning takes a long time)

I see I have to clarify a lot of parts so the reader doesn't get confused

Thanks a lot again! Any more edits?
OP gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Nov 12, 2009   #4
Any more edits? I could use some more help
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 13, 2009   #5
This sentence can be managed with dashes:
pushing me to quit Guard -- asserting that it was just a hobby while harp could become a career -- and my...

But with seventeen hours of Guard practice each week, harp lessons, and other extracurricular activities, I became...

The thing to do is go help some other people by giving them ideas, and then ask link them to your essay and ask for help. Use "Unanswered"... you write so well! check out the EF_Contributor page...
caisson22 5 / 16  
Nov 13, 2009   #6
I'm no masochist, but I am proud of my misshapen pinky and cuts that mark who I am - a Color Guard member.

Each week, I and would hear a colorful range of insults from the passing cars that throw Slurpees and coke bottles at my team.

A few minor edits but it's an absolutely amazing essay, it's personal, creative, and well written. Your thoughts are well organized and I enjoyed reading this! Good luck on the application!
amaryrose 2 / 16  
Nov 18, 2009   #7
"my neighbors literally stop"
I know you are trying to emphasize this, but the would literally has a bit of a casual feel to it (like the word actually.) Its not unforgivable, but i think it might be strong enough without.

"my entire body would feel sore but I felt strong and accomplished, breathless in a good way ."
I really like this sentence, but the last phrase strikes me as a tad flat. maybe "breathless in the best way" or relating breathlessness to being alive. Although, that might require a new sentence, and I don't think you need that. It might be fine the way it is.

"But not once did I have to remind myself to smile, that I felt right in my own skin. "

Simple changes, but I think you should cut the 'but' and make the two halves separate sentences.

Anyway, another great essay! The point is very clear, which I think is one of the hardest things to do.
OP gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Nov 18, 2009   #8
Thank you so much Mary and Jovani!

I like "breathless in the best way" a lot :D
amaryrose 2 / 16  
Nov 18, 2009   #9
alliteration, gotta love it!
mike920324 1 / 9  
Nov 23, 2009   #10
thats a beautiful ending! oh my god

one thing, in the beginning you went straight to, "thats why i quit"
to a reader that has read 1000 papers before yours, seeing that might raise up a red flag immediately, and he/she might not have the patience to read till the fabulous ending.

just a thought,

Can you read my essay too?
Thank You!
abutler5 3 / 17  
Nov 23, 2009   #11
I like how this essay is written, and I think it was a great topic that feels really genuine.

Two critiques:
-You start a lot of sentences with conjunctions ("and", "but", etc). Any sentence that starts with "and" can probably start with the word that follows, and any sentence that starts with "but" can probably start with "However," instead.

-This sentence seems contradictory to the paragraph before it: "I felt whenever I played the music that never seemed to reach past my ears ". I understand that you felt lonely, but this part makes it feel like no one else heard your music, when you talk about others listening to you in the sentence just before. Maybe remove that part and focus more on feeling unfulfilled/isolated.

I also disagree with mike's assessment that someone is going to lose interest in your essay because you tell them up front that you quit. If anything, I feel like they'd be interested in reading more, finding out the specifics on why you quit.
mike920324 1 / 9  
Nov 23, 2009   #12
i was more focusing on the "that I've agreed with her all these years."

i don't know, but something about that phrase sounds.. icky
abutler5 3 / 17  
Nov 23, 2009   #13
Okay, got it. I do think that could be rephrased (maybe "I didn't tell her until after I quit that I knew these hands were destined for different/greater things ," something like that), I just don't think that application essay readers ever stop reading an essay part of the way through unless it's REALLY bad.
mike920324 1 / 9  
Nov 23, 2009   #14
of course, they're paid to actually read them, haha.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 25, 2009   #15
This is some great interaction, here. I agree that "all these years" sounds icky. I rally appreciate comments like that, when you don't know quite how you want to explain the effect the writing is having on you, so you have to get creative.

:-)
akitarane 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2009   #16
I really enjoyed this essay especially how it takes informal turns here and there.

But, do you think that it's okay to make your essay informal? I know that by doing so your ability to express yourself will flow easily, but is it worth the sacrifice for admission?

I'm just wondering if admissions would rather read a beautifully written narrative, or an organized pointful essay.

Just a thought. Actually, if you know where I'm coming from could you give me some feedback??

Anyways, fabulous essay.

^.^
OP gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Dec 21, 2009   #17
Hey guys, thanks for all the edits!! It really helped a lot, and I've already submitted it for UCs, and I have one last question. Do you think it would work with the common app prompt

"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."?


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