Hi! I'm applying to art school and any help editing would be very much appreciated! Thank you.
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Droves of people flocked to a Van Gogh exhibition on a holiday weekend. There, a procession of people wrapped around the inner walls of the gallery. And with mechanism, each person would look at a painting for a few seconds and then move forward in line. I was dazed and disturbed by this. If Van Gogh can't hold a person's attention for more than a brief moment, what hope is there for anyone? I decided to go back another weekend and this time, research. I spent that afternoon observing the movements of the observers, counting the span of their attention. On average, people would only look at a piece of art for six seconds. There were few outliers.
After this, I made it my intention to design a museum layout or a piece of art that could hold a person's attention. My first thought was a room without distractions. Each artwork would have its own tiny room, where it alone would be the focus. Then, thinking about how inefficient and annoying this would be, discarded the idea. Then, I envisioned a modern Sistine Chapel- with a mural on the ceiling and a large, mattress-like fainting sofa on which people could lie down. Then, the patron could truly immerse themselves in the experience and take the time to really look. I thought this was it, a painting on the ceiling would hold someone's attention. Not only that, but it would give tired museum goers a space to relax in.
Since then, my perspective has changed. In a moment of fate, I stumbled upon a video on the philosophy of La Rochefoucauld. La Rochefoucauld wrote a small book stuffed with keen observations on human nature. However, each idea was written in a concise sentence or two, which made it accessible to the distracted modern man. Before Twitter, La Rochefoucauld knew the power of brevity. A few seconds of attention is all you have.
So, I have given up trying to get your attention. In the brief minute that it takes you to read this essay (statement) I want you to know how I think. I want you to know I love to paint and illustrate. I love fluid lines and movement and symmetry. I love the emotion a face can convey and I like the challenge of capturing it. I love to use charcoal because it is soft, messy and forgiving. I love to use acrylic because it is bright, fast-drying and it feels modern to be painting with plastic. I love to experiment with spices, fire and mirror scraps because I want to come up with new methods and madness. I love to research biographies, philosophy, and strange history because I am fascinated by people. I love to learn and I love to observe. And finally, I want to go to school to become a better artist. I want to go to school to learn how to communicate with clarity so that I can make the most of my six seconds.
hi eleplant, let me help you out to your conclusion paragraph. It is too much rendering what you love about art, and that is useless. I would like to encourage you to replace the conclusion. Try to give strong reason why the viewers should accept you after reading yours. And, for next sentence, give possible result or prospect after you graduate from the school, like effects of social, environment, and education in your area.
Hi Claire, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.
- DrovesLoads of people flocked to a Van Gogh exhibition on a holiday weekend.
- There,( this is not necessary as you have established the location of the event )
-A procession of people
- I decided to go back anotherthe next weekend and this time, research.
- I spent that afternoon observing the movements of the observerspeople appreciating art ,
- After this, I made it myan intention
- I thought this wasis ( however the action is done, keep the present form when referring to an on going action ) it,
- So, I have given up trying to get your attention.
- I love to use aA crylic becauseon the other handit is bright,
- I love to eE xperiment with spices, fire and mirror scraps becausealso intrigues me,
- I love to rR esearch biographies, philosophy, and strange history because I am fascinated by peoplefascinates me . - I love to learn and I love to observe. AndTo learn and to observe the works of people runs in my blood and I finally, I wantdecide to go to school to become a better artist
- I want to go to school to learn how, to communicate with clarity so that I can make the most of my six seconds.
Well Claire, as you can see I had a bit of struggle in enhancing your essay, you used words over and over though out the essay and this made the essay boring and no content. Yes, you made a clear statement of what you want to become and what you want to achieve professionally but this is not just what the essay is all about, you should be able to make sure that you send a clear message to your readers so much so to the admission staff who will give you a green signal to take that path and follow your dream or better luck next time.
I hope my remarks help!
