Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

"You are an Asian disgrace."; Common Application Personal Statement

yumm33333 1 / 2  
Jan 2, 2013   #1
Less than 24 hours. Great. I know its not the strongest essay but hey, what can I do about it now!? :D Thanks so much to editers. Really really appreciate it. :DDDD

"You are an Asian disgrace." This sentence played in my mind like a broken record all throughout middle school.
I met X in math class after being assigned to the seat next to his. He was outgoing, popular, stylish, and smart; he seemed to be everything that I was not. Perhaps that is why he chose to pick on me: the 'Asian disgrace'. The day X came up with that brilliant alias, I remember walking down a crowded hallway with a stack of library books in my arms. I was hurrying to my next class when I was stopped in my tracks--it was him. X gave me a bitter look, and then without a word, he spit in my face. I could hear echoes of laughter as I ran to the restroom. Math class came later in the day. X and his friends approached me as I was working on an assignment and asked, "Do you not have any friends?" The class went silent as I froze. I felt my face turn crimson from both embarrassment and despair as X proceeded with his proclamation. "You are an Asian disgrace. You don't deserve to be Korean."

Three years of being bullied destroyed my self-confidence. I no longer felt capable of achieving anything. And upon entering my first high school courses, I simply did not try; I did not try in my classes, or in my social life, or in my appearance. I just remained in my own world, pitying my "disgraceful" self. It was not long before I could not stand living so pathetically; I can't remember the exact reason that I decided to change so suddenly, but I most definitely did change. The girl who had once been afraid to even raise her hand in the classroom was volunteering herself to go first in making a presentation. The girl who had once been afraid to look people in the eye was staring them down like a hawk. I even began to devote myself to several extracurricular activities in hopes of developing socially and eventually overcoming my introverted personality.

When the day came to host my first all-school assembly, I was petrified. The "Asian disgrace" was in a few minutes going to speak in front of 2000 students, and I could not suppress the nervousness that possessed my body. After what seemed like forever, the moment came to put on the show. I took a deep breath and blurted out my lines: "Good afternoon Titans and welcome to the 2011 Fall Pep Assembly! My name is...". When the assembly came to an end, a feeling of accomplishment rushed through my body. My newfound friends ran down to congratulate me on my feat, and I suddenly, I realized how far I had come from middle school. I had accomplished change.

Though I still feel an inevitable anxiety with every new challenge I take on, I close my eyes and give each experience my all. I have learned that growth only comes from stepping out of my comfort zone and facing the frightening, and this understanding has not only allowed me to overcome my bullying but to grow into a leader of my community.

OMg i d k how to change the conclusion dudes. And would you say its inappropriate to put an actual name? (in place of X) there would be no last name..

And the transition from the second to third paragraph.. just kidding what transition?? lol please help! SOS!

Muchas gracias!

alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Jan 2, 2013   #2
Hi there,

I think you didn't capture the essence of the common app essay. WHAT made you change?

"I even began to devote myself to several extracurricular activities in hopes of developing socially and eventually overcoming my introverted personality." <-- You can't overcome an introverted personality. Besides why would you want to? There's nothing wrong with being introverted. Try different wording.

Also try "XXX" or a name.

Could you please look at my cornell essay. Please be critical. All suggestions and comments are appreciated.
strwrsfn0013 3 / 15 6  
Jan 2, 2013   #3
I think you should put a name on there, and then you can point how generic it is and specify that it is the name of your middle school bully. Although the first sentence did grab my attention, I feel like you should introduce your problems in middle school and then state "your Asian disgrace" at the end. I feel like you point out that phrase a little too much for liking. Secondly, your details are intriguing BUT I feel you go way into depth, when you really don't need to. Is there a character max for this prompt? I would love to edit, but I think only after you answer my question :)

... On a lighter note, I love the essay's idea, but I feel you're not quite there yet.

Home / Undergraduate / "You are an Asian disgrace."; Common Application Personal Statement