I feel like I may be too vague, or that the essay is lacking in clarity. I know this is very last minute, but if anyone can help that would be awesome! Thanks!
Topic of your choice:
Asian Families, Pomegranates, and Bumper Stickers
After endlessly writing and rewriting this essay on cliché and pointless topics ranging from my family to pomegranates, I was close to the point of conceding defeat. Then, one day, as I was driving in the rain, a bumper sticker on a gold jeep in front of me caught my eye. It read, "Well-behaved women seldom make history."
As I watched the traffic light turn green and the jeep roll into the distance, I mulled over this idea. Naturally, my mind first shifted toward distant American historical figures such as Rosa Parks or Elizabeth Cady Stanton, women who contributed to social progress with their refusal to give in to oppressive societal paradigms. However, as my thought process developed, it occurred to me that this concept was much more local than I had presumed; in fact, I felt that it seemed to explain why I often feel like a walking anomaly with my overly animated personality alongside my bookish habits. Though the most distinct aspects of my personality seem to defy archetypal expectations, I believe that they have caused and will continue to bring about my largest successes, allowing me to "make history."
I was born a motor mouth. My mother tells me that I was a restless infant, as I never stopped babbling incoherencies and always found a way to squirm out of my car seat, causing my brother's screaming of "MOM, BABY OUT!" to be expected of any lengthy car ride. As a toddler, I nearly drove my parents to insanity with my endless questions. Even throughout elementary school, while my teachers praised me for my academic potential, the only imperfections in my report card were in the "behavior" category purely because I talked too much during class.
As a senior in high school, I still am a motor mouth. Though my garrulous nature was frowned upon in the past, it was a key aspect of my personality and I refused to relinquish it. As a result, I still love to talk, and talk, and talk, often to the point at which my mother will joke about gluing my mouth shut. However, I have learned to develop my formerly hasty verbosity into confident sociability, and this desire to communicate and interact with others has always superseded cliques or social expectations. Therefore, I talk, and people listen, and regardless of who they are, where they're from, or what they can and cannot do, they talk, I listen, and a valuable friendship is formed.
Had I abandoned the garrulity that my early childhood teachers regarded as poor behavior, I would have never acquired the desire or energy to reach out, whereas I find that most of my peers hold back, apprehensive to cross lines of social hierarchy. By applying this simple concept, I believe that I have taken one small step towards dismantling social barriers within my high school, and with persistence, I hope to demolish them in college and beyond, until I have ultimately made history.
Awesome paper! You have great writing skill, you must be a natural!
The best line is right here:
Naturally, my mind first shifted toward distant American historical figures such as Rosa Parks or Elizabeth Cady Stanton, women who contributed to social progress with their refusal to give in to oppressive societal paradigms.
Fabulous! Great Point!
However, as my thought process developed, it occurred to me that this concept was much more local than I had presumed; in fact, I felt that it seemed to explain why I often feel like a walking anomaly with my overly animated personality alongside my bookish habits.
Change the phrase "as my thought process developed" you could say: "As these ideas developed..."
Also, this sentence is quite long and wordy-- split it up into two shorter ones.
You make very nice transitions from one thought to another, making your paper easy to read, and your words flow nicely. Good job on this essay. Good luck in school!
