Please , i need some advices about what is wrong with my essay, grammar,structure, etc. what needs to be corrected? this is what i have so far thank you
1- if there has been some obstacles or "bump in the road" in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
My life so far has had many "bumps" that I have been and still going through till this day. I battle with self-esteem issues and mostly distrust with my family. In many Asian families we are told to respect our elder or suffer the consequences and I'm sure other cultures it is the same. In My case my parents are especially to this day very disciplining. I feel that because of that I don't get to experience as much as others my age. For example others may stay out at late hours of the night and do whatever they want. I know what you're thinking "you're about to go to college why don't you just tell them to back off" but that's already been done and I always have a constant fear of them giving me the boot, it's not like I hasn't happened before. I remember I went out to get something from a friend's house that I have forgotten. I didn't tell my parents where I was going because I thought I was going to be quick and short and I was going to be back home in less than 10 minutes. But when I go home my parents were waiting and I know they were worried but I am technically a legal adult. But they took away my keys and my phone and at that point I had enough so I packed my bags and was going to sneak back my keys and drive to my boyfriend's house. Before I can get downstairs my mom asked where they keys were and so I dashed out and try to get into the car. Before I could start the car I was forced to get out, then they left me since Friday but I told them I wanted to leave and call someone to pick me up, I need my phone to see the number of my boyfriend but they refused to give me my phone. My dad told me that he would take me over there, so I got in my car with my stuff and we drove. Then we pulled in the driveway my boyfriend's car wasn't there, my dad told me to wake up his parents but I didn't want to because I know the wake up really early to go to work, but my dad made me. After ringing the doorbell a few times my boyfriend's dad came to the door, when he started talk I couldn't do anything but look at the floor and cry. He started to talk with my dad, then my boyfriend pulled in the drive way, he asked what was going on and my dad told both of them that I wanted to live at their house. But after talking with my boyfriend he told me that I should go home, that made me feel very unwanted, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone to have my back in my time in need and also I felt like my boyfriend lied to me when he said I could stay with him if I ever got thrown out again. That night I eventually went home and didn't speak to my parents or anyone for a whole week. I feel they should have put more trust in to me. Even if I have the courage to lash out I have that little voice always telling me that's its rude and I end up not saying anything. I feel like I would be a bad public speaker or anything involving debating, because at time I can become timid and somewhat mute. But towards my friends I'm loud and rambunctious and outgoing. At times it's hard to voice my opinions and I feel in a way I have a split personally or a double life per se. my thoughts are that my voice is discouraged because My family would always be put down like relatives or parents reminding me of my flaws and that would lower my self-esteem. I always told myself to not let them get to me, but sometimes it's too much. I'm the type of person that bottles everything up and breaks down when it's been too much. It's hard to keep you're cool sometimes I often clam myself down by insulting in silence or just letting loose the water works. I don't like to intentionally hurt people and I dislike conflict. I rarely will get in to any verbal fight because I feel if there's nothing nice to say in front of someone you should say it at all.
I can help you. Here are some suggestions: You can use less words in your first sentence:
"Throughout my life, I have been through many bumps in the road." You should use throughout because you say you are still having these bumps in the road.
Elder should be plural, change it to elders.
This is a suggestion for this sentence: "In my case, my parents are strict". In the next sentence, delete ofthat . Place a comma after example. Place a period after off.
Start a new sentence, "Yet, that's already been done and I always..." "It has happened before."
I will try to help you tomorrow!
- My life soSo far, my life has had many "bumps"..
- ...I'm sure other cultures it is the same.
- ...it's not like Iit hasn't happened before.
- ButwW hen I got home...
- But(it's not good to start a sentence with a negative "but" when you can start it with something positive that connotes the same idea) They...
- ...I know they wake up really early to go to work,
- I feel they should have put more trust in to mefelt like they should trust me more that they do .
- Even if I have the courage to lash out I have thata little voice
- ...always telling me that's its rude
- ...because atmost of the time I can become
- ButHowever towards my friends...
- ...My family would always be putshut me down like my relatives
- I often clamcalm ( be careful of your words, proof reading helps) myself down by insulting..
- I rarely will get in to any verbal fight because...
- I feel if there's nothing nice to say in front of someone you shouldn't say it at all.
Well, reading your essay just makes me feel sad, simply because no one should experience the feelings you have right now, learn to be yourself and when you are yourself, everything follows. I hope the remarks I made helps.
I would like to help you with more changes to your essay.
When you discuss that you went to a friend's house to get something you should use the past tense at the end of the sentence Change it to:" had forgotten".
The next sentence could have fewer words:" I didn't tell my parents where I was going, because I thought I would return home in less than ten minutes."
Try to avoid using but to start sentences. For example, the next sentence you can start the sentence in this manner:" When I arrived home, my parents were waiting and I know they were worried." Combine sentences:" Although I am an adult, they took away my keys and my phone." Start a new sentence using: "At that point,...".
I will only correct the changes in the next sentence: "Before I could get downstairs,... asked where the keys were so... tried to get into the car." These verbs are now in the past tense because your story was in the past. I have placed those verbs in bold so you can see the changes.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say "then they left since Friday". You could delete those words and the sentence will be easier to understand.
There are two sentences that need to be formed. I think the first sentence should read:
" Then my dad pulled into the driveway and told me to wake up my boyfriend's parents." Yet, I didn't want to because I knew the woke up... but my dad insisted. If you use insisted, this means he continued to ask.
Start the next sentence with "After" and you want to state" in my time of need". Also, state" trust in me".
I think when you describe your personality and double life it seems confusing with the story. You could end the sentence with the word "opinions".
Be careful with capitalizing words. You should capitalize "My" when you begin a sentence. Yet, "my family" should be in all lowercase letters. You should also say "always put me down".
Place a period after sometimes. I'm not sure if you want to say you feel negative thoughts or downhearted instead of clam or insulting. Also, water works could indicate you have a temper. If you don't get into verbal fights, you could explain that at times you are able to express yourself.
So far, my life has had many "bumps" in the road. I battle with self-esteem issues and mostly distrust with my family. In many Asian families we are told to respect our elders or suffer the consequences and I'm sure other cultures is the same. In my case, my parents are strict. I feel that because, I don't get to experience as much as others my age. For example others may stay out at late hours of the night and do whatever they want. I know what you're thinking "you're about to go to college why don't you just tell them to back off" Yet, that's already been done and I always have a constant fear of them giving me the boot, It has happened before. I remember I went out to get something from a friend's house that had forgotten. I didn't tell my parents where I was going, because I thought I would return home in less than ten minutes. When I arrived home, my parents were waiting and I know they were worried. Although I am an adult, they took away my keys and my phone. At that point I had enough so I packed my bags and was going to sneak back my keys and drive to my boyfriend's house. Before I could get downstairs, my mom asked where the keys were so I dashed out and tried to get into the car. Before I could start the car I was forced to get out, then they left me outside. but I told them I wanted to leave and call someone to pick me up, I need my phone to see the number of my boyfriend but they refused to give me my phone. My dad told me that he would take me over there, so I got in my car with my stuff and we drove Then my dad pulled into the driveway and told me to wake up my boyfriend's parents. Yet, I didn't want to because I knew they woke up really early to go to work, but my dad insisted. After ringing the doorbell a few times my boyfriend's dad came to the door, when he started talk I couldn't do anything but look at the floor and cry. He started to talk with my dad, then my boyfriend pulled in the drive way, he asked what was going on and my dad told both of them that I wanted to live at their house. But after talking with my boyfriend he told me that I should go home, that made me feel very unwanted, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone to have my back in my time of need and also I felt like my boyfriend lied to me when he said I could stay with him if I ever got thrown out again. That night I eventually went home and didn't speak to my parents or anyone for a whole week I felt like they should trust me more than they do. Even if I have the courage to lash out I have a little voice always telling me that it's rude and I end up not saying anything. I feel like I would be a bad public speaker or anything involving debating, because most of the time I can become timid and somewhat mute. However towards my friends I'm loud and rambunctious and outgoing. At times it's hard to voice my opinions and I feel in a way I have a split personally or a double life per se. my thoughts are that my voice is discouraged because My family would always shut me down like my relatives or parents reminding me of my flaws and that would lower my self-esteem. I always told myself to not let them get to me, but sometimes it's too much. I'm the type of person that bottles everything up and breaks down when it's been too much. It's hard to keep you're cool sometimes I often calm myself down by insulting in silence or just letting loose the water works. I don't like to intentionally hurt people and I dislike conflict. I rarely get in to any verbal fight because I feel if there's nothing nice to say in front of someone you shouldn't say it at all.
