I have revised my short answer essay over 15 times to follow the word count guidelines, while still displaying an emotional and effective essay. Here is my short answer essay for the common application. Would somebody help me break it down?
Working with Asperger's Syndrome patients was the most fulfilling experience of my life. During May of 2008, I volunteered as a youth counselor at Ryther's inpatient program for autistic children. Naturally, I felt hope and compassion for these gifted children, but it was laced with doubt. I knew emotion could tamper with my ability to assist the children in the most objective manner, so I determined not to sway from my ambivalent approach while working.
Soon, my goal became impossible. My supervisor assigned me to take notes of the children based on their social interactions. As I watched the children during the day, their functioning ability fascinated me. Nick, an eight year old boy, elaborated on Civil War strategy that far surpassed my relatively limited knowledge. I talked with Nick daily, asking about his life and what makes him happy. Expecting a typical 'I don't know', I laughed in astonishment as he shared his dreams of becoming a National Park Ranger.
Our friendship blossomed throughout my internship, showing me a world paradigm filled with trust and innocence. When the upcoming school year came around, I told Nick it was time for me to go home 'for good'. He cried and wrapped his arms around my neck, expressing a rare caliber of emotion for a child with Asperger's. I was touched beyond measure, and left Ryther as a new person. Nick faces battles just like we all do. However, his love, hope, and tenacity gave me inspiration to help make the world a better place.
I knew emotion could tamper with my ability to assist the children in the most objective manner, so I determined not to sway from my ambivalent approach while working.
(1) Why would emotion interfere with the ability to care for children? Isn't empathy absolutely necessary? (2) Do you really mean "ambivalent" here? You
wanted to have mixed emotions about these children?
Could you include the essay question and the word limit? Would be able to help better if I knew what it was about. On the whole the essay is good especially the last paragraph. Couple of comments/corrections -
I talked with Nick daily, asking about his life and what makes him happy - it should me - made
- showing me a world paradigm filled with trust and innocence ( What do you mean by "world paradigm" ?)
rare caliber of emotion for a child with Asperger's. ( I might be wrong but I don't think you can have a "caliber" of emotion)
