Here is my essay for Amherst...Please read over it and let me know what you think! I'm worried it may sound so cliched. Thanks in advance!!
As an Asian female from a disadvantaged background, I often find myself struggling between my individuality and the stereotyped beliefs of East Asian culture and Western culture. I have realized that societal views of Asian females place a glass ceiling on how women, especially Asian Americans, should behave. Society, friends, teachers, and neighbors expect me to be a compliant, quiet, and non-opinionated girl who has a perfect grade. Even my own family members reinforce the existing stereotypes; my conservative parents or grandparents advise me to stay home and become an obedient housewife. Although I am far from meeting that expectation or rather that stereotyped belief, I am surprised and frustrated by my subconscious effort to fit the mold set by society or to legitimize my mistakes based on those stereotypes.
Despite society's expectations and my own subconscious endeavors to fit into that stereotyped mold, I hope to pursue my life-long dream of becoming an international health expert. I believe I will be able to rise above societal definitions with a consistent effort to fight against the danger of prejudices that still exist in the 21st Century. Although it may be a long fight as the socially constructed perceptions are not limited to a tangible realm, I am confident in my ability to make a difference, especially for children whose dreams are undermined by societal definition. Children are our future. If children can grow up without the fetters of stereotyped beliefs, then in a couple decades, our society will no longer be subjected to or subject individuals to self-fulfilling prophecies that often marginalize children's dream.
You forgot a word:
"As an Asian female fromadisadvantaged background ..."
"stereo-typed belief(s)" is found too many times throughout your essay. You sound redundant. Consider omitting it those words a couple of times throughout your essay where they are not necessary.
"...especially for those children, whose dreams are undermined by the stereotyped beliefs. " Omit the comma between "children" and "whose."
Yes, "Children are our future" and "a goody two-shoes" sounds too cliché.
Either way, I understand your frustration. Good luck!
Thank you for your feedback! Do you think it would be better if I come up with an entirely new topic?? I feel like the topic itself is quite cliched... because any other Asian female could write the same essay...
Let me know what you think!! Thank you!!
Well, first you should have included the prompt because without knowing that it is difficult for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.
As an Asian female from a disadvantaged background, I often find myself struggling between my individuality and the stereotyped beliefs of East Asian culture and Western culture
... Well, Asian female is a large subset in which women in all Asians countries are included and there can be major variations among these women in terms of culture, beliefs and values. So, I feel this is too much of a generalization and it is better you draw it more towards your particular ethnicity which may give the reader a more specific idea about your issue.
Society, friends, teachers, and neighbors expect me to be a compliant, quiet, and non-opinionated girl who has a perfect grades .
Amherst is going to have a really easy time selecting their class this year as it seems these prompts are baffling most applicants. Since you are picking the stereotype prompt here, you should read the prompt again and again. It is not only talking about stereotypes, but more importantly, how -- in an effort to escape those-- we just create new ones. We can help you with this. -Admissions Advice Online
^dumi,
Thank you for your response! The prompt was up there, but I guess it disappeared... The prompt is "Please respond to one of the following quotations in an essay of not more than 300 words. It is not necessary to research, read, or refer to the texts from which these quotations are taken; we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay."
- Prompt 4: "Stereotyped beliefs have the power to become self-fulfilling prophesies for behavior."
Elizabeth Aries, Professor of Psychology, Amherst College. From her book Men and Women in Interaction, Reconsidering the Difference.
So, I tried to revise my essays based on your advice above...
Could you take a look at it one more time?? Thank you!
^Admissions Online,
Thank you for your feedback! I mean it is too late to change my prompt 3 days before the deadline...
Do you think my essay has any merit?... I think you are implying that I don't have a chance at Amherst with this kind of essay...when you say "Amherst is going to have a really easy time selecting their class this year as it seems these prompts are baffling most applicants.'... :) Thank you anyway!
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As a newly arrived immigrant from a disadvantaged background, I often find myself struggling between my individuality and the stereotyped beliefs of East Asian culture and Western culture. I have realized that societal views of females place a glass ceiling on how women, especially Asian immigrants, should behave. Society, friends, teachers, and neighbors expect me to be a compliant, quiet, and non-opinionated girl who has perfect grades. Even my own family members reinforce the existing stereotypes; my conservative parents or grandparents advise me to stay home and become an obedient housewife. Although I am far from meeting that expectation or rather that stereotyped belief, I am surprised and frustrated by my subconscious effort to fit the mold set by society or to legitimize my mistakes based on those stereotypes.
Despite society's expectations and my own subconscious endeavors to fit into that stereotyped mold, I hope to pursue my life-long dream of becoming an international health expert. I believe I will be able to rise above societal definitions with a consistent effort to fight against the danger of prejudices that still exist in the 21st Century. Although it may be a long fight as the socially constructed perceptions are not limited to a tangible realm, I am confident in my ability to make a difference, especially for children whose dreams are undermined by societal definition. Children are our future. If children can grow up without the fetters of stereotyped beliefs, then in a couple decades, our society will no longer be subjected to or subject individuals to self-fulfilling prophesies that often marginalize children's dream.
Could anyone read over my essay, please??
Again, you are only focusing on one thing here ------the initial stereotype and your thoughts about it----However, the question is asking you to discuss several(deeper) things here---- how the belief in stereotypes allows you to be more prone to fulfill them OR, how in an attempt to overcome one type of stereotype, you inadvertently fall into another stereotype. Amherst is a top liberal arts college. These prompts are not going to be as easy as you initially think they are. They take these essays very seriously--more than most Ivy League schools do. The funny thing here is that your essay is one giant stereotype that has been written about a zillion times before. Let's start thinking outside the box to make these essays more creative. - Admissions Advice Online
