Hi! I wrote those two essay for Hopkins Supplement and I'd really, really appreciate the help. Even though I don't mean it, I usually write in my own voice a lot. A critique of contents and word flow would be really helpful. Thanks.
Write a brief essay (250 words maximum each question) in which you respond to the following questions. (freshman applicants only):
1) Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)
Soon after my family immigrated to the United States, my little brother was involved in a minor accident. Accompanying him to the hospital, I remember being amazed by the advanced technology that the doctors employed to help their patients. I was in awe as I imagined myself using such equipment to help the poor of my mainly undeveloped, yet beloved, country. From that moment forward, I would aspire to become a physician with the intention to serve my community.
Such a decision triggered a major conflict with my previously planned career choice. As far as I could remember, Mathematics was not only my favorite subject, but also my biggest passion. My thirst for Math led me to take many advanced classes such as Linear Algebra and A.P. Physics, through which I learned the various real-world applications of Mathematics. I had figured that only an education in Engineering could quench my fervor for Mathematics.
I was conflicted deeply, not knowing if I should follow my passions or my noble goals - which would help individuals directly. The answer came later when I learned about the Biomedical Engineering major at Johns Hopkins. Enrolling in such major would mean, not only do I get to pursue my goal of treating the unfortunate, but it also ensures that I will fulfill it passionately. Through BME, I would also be best prepared for Medical School, in case I decide to pursue treating patients on a daily basis rather than designing cutting edge technologies.
2) Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials. (While you should still pay attention to sentence structure and grammar, your response is meant as a way for us to get to know you, rather than a formal essay.)
After two years of little involvement in extracurricular activities, I felt it was time to start learning a new sport. It was convenient that one of my friends would suggest joining our high school tennis team, however I was reluctant to do so. I much preferred the wrestling squad over our school's less popular tennis team. Nevertheless, due to unfortunate events that made me miss the wrestling tryouts I changed my mind toward joining Tennis in the upcoming spring season.
The team matched my expectations in that among the other competitive schools in our county it ranked very low. I felt ashamed under the snickers of my friends who played for other "elite" schools. I was discouraged but my focus shifted as I discovered the essence of the sport itself, having fun. Unlike the wrestling team which dealt with losses very seriously, my team would instead rejoice in friendships and the joy that comes with the act of playing.
Much like my tennis team, I began to not worry about winning and rather started to compete against myself. With every serve I stroked, I overcame my shyness and gained confidence. Slowly and steadily I improved. After my first season, I became the second best rookie on the team, and the fourth best overall. Being little introvert, I also valued the sport for helping me become more sociable and outgoing. Most importantly, I gained the friendship of most of my teammates, of which some went on to become my best friends.
Great essay!
And if you add little bit more about your personality rather than facts of about yourself, your essay would be much stronger.
Also write some reasons you want to go to Hopkins by putting some of its specific programs you are interested.
Good LUCK!
