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Aspiring to Help Others as the way to achieve success - Essay A

marissamuehl 1 / -  
Jan 3, 2017   #1

I want to be successful for what I have done for others

My heart beat fast, my palms were abnormally sweaty, and I could not seem to control my trembling legs as I waited patiently to give my first speech to twenty-five strangers. I was not picked to go first, thank God, but I could not help but stress over the thought of messing up my speech in front of everyone and completely humiliating myself. In my head, I recounted all the techniques my Professor taught us the first week of class. Breath in, breath out, take small sips of water, and wipe your sweaty palms on your pants. All these techniques seemed to be helping in small ways, but unfortunately my name was called and I had to go give my speech. After rehearsing in my mirror at home for hours on end, and annoying all my roommates with the endless practices in our living room, I managed to successfully give my speech to the class just as I had planned. The nervousness faded as I finished my speech and headed back to my seat. I listened to the rest of my classmates give their interesting speeches until the class finished. At the end of class, our professor asked to speak with three students, one being me. The first idea that popped into my head was that I had done something wrong. "Oh gosh she hated my speech and I have to redo the whole assignment" was the crazy thought I had. However, this was definitely not the case. My professor ended up telling us that our speeches were her favorite of all her classes and that we all had a talent for public speaking. She added that there was a public speaking contest coming up soon and she needed to choose someone to represent her class, and she asked us to please consider the offer. I was completely shocked by this news and was so proud of myself for overcoming my fear of public speaking and in the end giving a great speech. My professor ended up having the three of us draw for a spot in the contest. She felt we would all make it to finals since we were good speakers and she could not decide herself who should go. I did not end up drawing number one, and I was disappointed because I felt the contest would have been a great opportunity in my life.

Even though I was not able to compete in the contest, this compliment my professor gave me boosted my confidence in myself and helped me realize the path I wanted to take in life. Up until this point, I felt so lost and did not know what I wanted to eventually do for a career. Now that I have finished the public speaking class and my professor wanted me to be in the speech contest, I realized where my strengths lay. I am now fascinated with learning how to be an effective communicator because I feel communication is an important trait to have in this day and age. The result of this fascination led me to choose the communication major at Texas A&M. My goal in life is to be able to work with children and I believe I can successfully achieve this goal with Texas A&M's communication degree. I plan to graduate from Texas A&M University with a communication major and a minor in Spanish. Once I have accomplished this bachelor degree, I want to go on and pursue my master's degree in Speech- Language Pathology at Texas Women's University. After I have graduated from Texas Women's University, I will be able to live out my goal of working with children. I want to change lives by helping students with speech impediments, helping them overcome their everyday challenges. I believe that the Communication degree I could obtain from Texas A&M University will be an accomplishment that will one-day help many struggling children. Danny Thomas once said, "Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others." I want to be successful for what I have done for others. I know Texas A&M University can lead me to this success.

rnsnz18 10 / 33 4  
Jan 4, 2017   #2
I woukd love if you post the original prompt to give you a better feedback. The title says aspiring to help other while achieving succes. Well you clearly said what you want to do with your communication studies to help others. But your background story doesn't supoport that, you talked about overcoming a diificulty that made want to study communication, that doesn't supore your desire for helpong other while you achieve success. You need a background story where you help other people and made better they lives, don't focus too much about talking how great you are for overcoming your fear and have given the best speech.Also you talk too much at the end about your desire for your major and more specific things. It would be better to say what things you want to do, what specifix achievements more than just earning a degree, and how Texas A&M will help you do that and help you to help others.But again, the origibal promp will allow me to help you more.
alexgzm 5 / 17 9  
Jan 4, 2017   #3

As pointed before, I think the problem here is that you present a very interesting story at first, but in your second paragraph you completely debunk it because you completely changed the tone and the idea the reader gets of what you're trying to say. I believe you could change your first paragraph or try to relate it with something where you helped others; maybe after overcoming your own fear you helped someone else overcome their fear of public speaking or something like that, with this the reader will get a clear idea from the beginning of what your main point is and what is it that you're truly interested in, helping others.

Another thing I would improve is that after this sentence I believe that the Communication degree I could obtain from Texas A&M University will be an accomplishment that will one-day help many struggling children., you could explain how do you think you are going to help these struggling children and in which way does the Comm degree will prepare you and give you the tools to help them.

One final comment, in your second paragraph you are repeating too much "Texas A&M" and "Communication degree/major", I think you could use them a little bit less and substitute them with different words.

Overall good work, just needs to be modified a bit. Hope this helps!!
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,019 2713  
Jan 4, 2017   #4
Marissa, I am really not sure which prompt this essay is responding to. What do you mean by Essay A? It would really help everyone here if you could provide a copy of the complete prompt. That way we can stop thinking of the essay that you wrote as an imperfect and confusing personal essay. I think that you are trying to discuss an obstacle that you had to overcome. Am I right? If I am, then say so so that we can put our heads together here and help you better develop your response for the prompt. If I am nowhere near the right topic, then please, point us all in the right direction. As of now, the narrative is too general in focus. It could discuss a few different things at this point. Like i said, it feels like a personal statement, but also gives the vibe of an overcoming the obstacle essay. Perhaps if you can decide which of the two prompt topics you really want to write about, we will be able to help you better.

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