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Assistance Writing a vice-presidential Nomination Essay for West Point?


jeremylumbab 1 / 1  
May 5, 2016   #1
I am attempting to apply to West Point and require a vice-presidential nomination (I am an American citizen but live abroad). I have to write an essay for the nomination. Any pointers and suggestions would be appreciated.

Prompt: Why do you want to attend one of the Military Service Academies? (3500 character maximum)

What I have so far:

My childhood was interesting, but despite my difficulties I was able to overcome and grow as a person. For the first ten or so years of my life my family had been struggling financially. We had just moved from Sacramento to Edmonton (Canada), and my parents were out looking for jobs. I was sent out into a new society, and though it was hard, I was able to adjust. We were not poor, but granted our situation, we had to look out for one another. We were blessed, and I am so grateful to have the unending support of my family. My experiences as a kid have taught me patience and compassion, and ultimately, they gave me hope.

I balance school, work and football, but I also set time aside to serve in my church and in my community. For about a week, I went on a trip to Vancouver, where I worked in soup kitchens and homeless shelters. It was an experience that opened my eyes, and sparked my compassion for those in need. I now assist in such facilities in my local area. I entered the workforce at fourteen, and since then have developed my aptitude in customer service. I operate well under pressure and put my heart into my work. My parents raised me to strive to make the best out of every situation and encourage me in my academics. Football has helped me grow as a team player, and I push myself to work hard because I owe it to my coaches and teammates. I have a busy schedule, and it is challenging to keep up with all of my commitments, but....

I aspire to attend the United States Military Academy because I believe in excellence, humility, and selflessness. I will display passion and commitment, but I will also look out for my comrades and prioritize the greater good. Service in the armed forces can be dangerous, and brilliant men and women have lost their lives in service to their country, but that is a risk I am willing to take to secure a future for my loved ones. I live abroad, and I realize that my chances are slimmer because of the fact, but General Douglas MacArthur once said, "the best luck of all is the luck you make for yourself", and I intend to put in the work against the odds to follow my dreams. I want to contribute to a cause that is greater than myself, and to make a positive difference.

tyler1234 3 / 10 2  
May 6, 2016   #2
My childhood was interesting, but despite my difficultiesWhich difficulties?

... the best out of every situation and encouraged me in my academics.

... chances are slimmer because of the fact, but as General Douglas MacArthur once said...

Overall, I have a good impression
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 6, 2016   #3
Hi Jeremy, first of all, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family. I believe we are the only website that provides the most comprehensive and objective remarks for free and I hope you find us helpful to your writing needs and should you need any assistance we will be here for you.

Now going back to your essay, overall, it is a good read, what is described in the essay is person that you are and the person that you want to be, you also manage to use words that are easy to understand and your readers will be able to get the purpose of writing this essay.

However, you have the tendency to cut the emphasis of your ideas, say for example, you mentioned on the introduction, " My childhood was interesting, but despite...", as you can see, there should a couple more sentences in following your interesting childhood, this will leave your readers wonder and they need answers, well this can be an intriguing part but as it is an essay for a nomination you have to try to elaborate every single detail.

I hope this insights helped.
OP jeremylumbab 1 / 1  
May 8, 2016   #4
I appreciate your input! I included your suggestions in my revised version. The first sentence about my childhood was supposed to be explained in the same paragraph (about finances, moving etc). Is there a better way I could have written that intro part? Thanks again!

@tyler1234 @justivy03
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
May 8, 2016   #5
Dear Jeremy,

It is such a pleasure to be working with you today. Reading your essay was moving. I do think you need to add more sentences when you express an idea such as your childhood. What I have learned from writing is that you want to show the reader, not tell them. Writing gets better when you expand ideas and grab the reader into the story.

Overall your essay is well written. You have a few grammar issues, which I have pointed below:

... despite my difficulties, I was able to overcome them and grow as a person. ...

... For the first ten or so years of my life, my family had been strugglingstruggled financially. ...

... I was sent out into a new society, and al though it was hard, ... How was it hard? Give us a little more detail here on how hard it was. Stand out from the rest by bringing the reader into what you went through at that time. Do not tell us it was hard, show us.

... I balance school, work, and football, ...

... It was an experience that opened my eyes, and sparked my ...

... the best out of every situation and encouraged me in my academics. ...

... General Douglas MacArthur once said, "tT he best luck of all is the luck you make for yourself, "., and I intend to put ...

... a cause that is greater than myself, and to make a positive difference. ...

I hope this helps in the betterment of your essay.


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