That first paragraph is incredibly pretentious. Please make it sound less snobby and elitist. (You even use the words "elite individuals;" even though you're talking about the reader's school, I don't think he'll be charmed by the grandiose here).
It doesn't end with the intro. Some of your sentences are constructed with an arrogantly showy tone. Most of the times it's because of questionable word choice, which I can tell happened because you were trying to make yourself sound impressive:
Strength, Beauty, Character;: all of which I embody to a degree that advocates competence.
Even with the colon, I don't think you should have a fragment here. "Embody to a degree that advocates competence"? How does your embodiment
advocate something, much less competence? How do you advocate competence? I can advocate for someone because they are competent, but to advocate competence is akin to saying good things are good. And to a
degree?
school was merely a structure for me to amalgamate myself with the social hierarchy.
Into the social hierarchy... You're trying to say that you spent too much time at parties. What you ended up saying is you
merged yourself with... a social hierarchy. You created a hybrid hierarchy+Adam structure. Perhaps you integrated yourself into the hierarchy, but even then, hierarchies are meant to be integrated into, and being identified with a particular set of people doesn't mean you have to slack off. So let's ditch the phrase altogether and just say that you put your social life before school, or you slacked off with your friends.
An acute lack of maturity was playing a big role in the solidification of an average future.
Your lack of maturity was probably chronic, not acute. It played a big role in the solidification of an average future? Or it tanked your grades.
It was then that I realized I needed an immediate alteration of my priorities.
You needed to change, or if you really want to use a big word,
reevaluate your priorities.
I have shown the skill it takes to design a plethora of web site templates without lacking concept
Common misuse of the word plethora, which implies you have too much of something. If you've designed a plethora of web site templates, then you probably wasted your own time making so many. Also, I have no idea what "without lacking concept" means. You never stopped having concepts for new designs? That would explain why there are so many of them.
In an effort to sound rigid and professional, the essay becomes very unusual to read. I'll throw out a guess: Microsoft Office's thesaurus feature.
The essay itself has such stale content. You play sports and take honors classes, one of which being a Web Design program that you have homework in. It's no wonder you had to qualify the whole paragraph before hand with "the amount of skill" it takes to do these things. You should consider telling us more specifically about the challenges you overcome in Web Design or as a volunteer; that would make this essay more about your vires and mores, and less a story about your average day going to school and playing football.