Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

"Asthma still affects my family and me"- college essay for early decision application


ak4056 1 / 2  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Hello,

I was looking for help with my essay and found this forum this morning. I won't post my whole essay here because it is pretty long and my application is due Nov 1st. I just need a little help making these two paragraph a little smoother. Thank you for your help.

...
I hated this disease. It made me easily out of breath, miss school days, and many outdoor activities. Moreover, the twice-daily corticosteroid inhaler and regular prednisone therapy for outbreaks caused me to stay in the "obese" growth category. The prednisone decreased my metabolism, increased my appetite and redistributed my body fat to the face, abdomen and neck. At the beginning of the sixth grade, I noticed Abby, a beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl from my homeroom. But, I never had the courage to approach her because I knew that everyone saw me as a short little fat kid. I quit the year round swim team that I have been on since kindergarten, because I was ashamed of my body. When my dad got me involved in tennis to replace swimming, I would start to wheeze after about an hour of play, even though I was careful to take the prophylaxis Abuterol puffs before hand. The other kids in drill group made fun at me, teasing "Ha... Ha..., He can't even run two laps. Why can't he keep up? Why does he get tired so fast?" I was not tired since I have been an athlete for a long time. I was just not able to breathe.

...
Asthma still affects my family and me, there are days I still struggle with wheezing and shortness of breath, but Dr. Kancherla, my allergist, is helping me to get stronger and keeping my asthma under control. I want to do the same for others who have a similar affliction. Asthma did not slow me down when I wanted to play tennis. I did not allow it to stop me from acquiring the super championship status in my age group, being the number one singles varsity player and team captain for school in my freshman and senior year. I did not allow asthma to prevent me from being the MVP on the team in my sophomore year, nor did I let it impede my studies by missing school days due to outbreaks. I want to inspire others to try their best and achieve their dreams. I will bring my passion, dedication, and compassion to your college because my goal is to prepare myself for medical school. My personal experiences will help me to stay focused on becoming the best doctor that I can be in the future.

brum925 1 / 2  
Oct 29, 2010   #2
I'm guessing that the missing middle paragraphs explain how you overcame asthma? It's good, very genuine. : )
littlechef 10 / 33  
Oct 29, 2010   #3
I truly enjoyed reading this essay.
Your message clearly demonstrates your desire to become a doctor. Showing that you wish to harness your past pains into a powerful inspiration for future.

As brum925 said, the genuinity is quite nice. Well done!
OP ak4056 1 / 2  
Oct 29, 2010   #4
Thank you both for the kind compliments. I was thinking that parts of the essay sound choppy and needed help to re-word it. What about grammatical errors?

... At the beginning of the sixth grade, I noticed Abby, a beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl from my homeroom. But, I never had the courage to approach her because I knew that everyone saw me as a short little fat kid. I quit the year round swim team that I have been on since kindergarten, because I was ashamed of my body. When my dad got me involved in tennis to replace swimming, I would start to wheeze after about an hour of play, even though I was careful to take the prophylaxis Abuterol puffs before hand.

And this part

... I did not allow it to stop me from acquiring the super championship status in my age group, being the number one singles varsity player and team captain for school in my freshman and senior year. I did not allow asthma to prevent me from being the MVP on the team in my sophomore year, nor did I let it impede my studies by missing school days due to outbreaks.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 6, 2010   #5
Hi Andrew, I'm sorry I did not get to help in time for the deadline, but I read your whole essay anyway simply for enjoyment. You have a very nice way of writing.

I think medical technology is making a lot of progress that will help you overcome the asthma... keep up wit the research that is being done, and let this adversity be a source of strength. Everyone has something, you know... I have my own weird problems... everyone does. And the people who do not have any medical adversity... well.. a lot of times they are jerks! Ha ha... so.. it is that adversity that makes people strong and sensitive.

:-)


Home / Undergraduate / "Asthma still affects my family and me"- college essay for early decision application