UC Prompt #2
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"
MY ESSAY:
I had always been a shy kid. I was that kid who had trouble getting up and asking someone if they wanted to work with me on our latest project. I was that kid who had a few friends but at the same time really never connected with anyone. I was an introvert and to venture out of my little bubble of comfort was the scariest thing that I could think of. Little did I know that my bubble was soon to be popped, thrusting me as far out of my comfort zone as I could imagine.
"I am an athlete." Who would have thought that out of all the hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, those four were the first that I would utter on national television? How exactly it happened, I do not remember, but through some divine twist I found myself acting as a representative for India's one point something billion people in the 2008 Olympics ad campaign. Picture my nervousness as I, a kid who hated being the center of attention, was now going to be appearing on public television in over one hundred countries.
Sitting under numerous hot lights and having multiple cameras focused on my smallest movements, my initial response was panic. I freaked out. My breathing was fast and shallow and my heart was pounding at what seemed like a million beats per second. I felt myself getting dizzy and wondered if that was what people felt like before they fainted. Thankfully, I was saved from the embarrassment of being the first 'actor' to faint on set by Mac, the ad's director. Mac took me to the side of the set and talked me through the whole filming process, kind of how a doctor tells you how he will perform surgery on you before proceeding with anything else. Even though I was still terrified, I was able to work though my fear and finish filming the rest of the scene. By the end of the day, I had started to enjoy showing off in front of the camera and wondered what exactly it was about being shy that I had enjoyed.
My comfort bubble had popped but the results were not what I had expected; soon after that Olympic commercial, I signed up for acting classes and got an agent. To my great surprise, I was regularly called to audition for other commercials and even ended up booking some of them! This dip into acting seeped into other aspects of my life. For the first time in forever, I felt alive. I felt confident. What challenge did talking to that cute girl in my class pose if my face was appearing throughout America? There was no challenge but the one I falsely perceived. My first experience in front of the camera terrified me beyond belief, but looking back, it is an experience that I would not trade for anything.
Thanks for proofreading/any help you give :)
-G
the first sentence is VERY crucial. so "i had always been a shy kid" isn't that interesting. that can be any applicant. it doesn't distinguish you from all the other applicants. i think ur first line should be...
"I am an athlete." Who would have thought that out of all the hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, those four were the first that I would utter on national television?" and then go on to explain how u were shy.
i also think u should use more quotes if you can, to make it sound more lively.
other than that its good.
ps: i'm indian too and i think its really cool that u represented indian in that ad.
plz edit my essay if u have a chance
I think this essay is pretty good overall, but you need a more interesting start. I suggest you to start with the quote "I am an athelete".
lol thanx for the help!
wat colleges r u applying to?
I agree! It will be so much more intriguing if you start like this:
I was always that kid who had trouble getting up and...
That is a good sentence. This one, too: wondered what exactly it was about being shy that I had enjoyed.---> very clever!
You have a little more work to do, though: "How does it relate to the person you are?" What does this have to do with your intended major?
i think for the first sentence.. try to start with a dialogue/quote because, in my opinion, it really catches a reader's attention !
maybe you can switch your 2nd and 1st paras? idk.. seems more catchy to me
btw.. i like your last sentence :D
lastly, please read my essays =)
oh cool. good luck!
i'm applying to:
pepperdine, loyola, uc santa cruz, uc santa barbara, uc merced, cal poly pomona, cal state san diego, and cal state san jose.
my top choices are pepperdine and loyola.
Thanks for all the help! This is a really nice forum and its great reading some of these essays
maybe you want to start out with an anecdote for your introduction to make it sound even more interesting. remember, the introduction is the most important part of an application essay. if ur not able to grab the readers attention, the chances that the reader is going to find the rest of your essay interesting becomes pretty slim. hope i helped!
