This is rough draft, and I have some problems with English grammar. (ESL student)
Please help me with the grammar and any good suggestions are all welcome!!
Thank you!!
There are so many reasons why I am "interested" in attending the University of Notre Dame; various undergraduate medical research programs, thorough pre-medical course and high acceptance rate to medical school, strong alumni connections, and of course, beautiful campus with catholic background as well. All these strengths are perfect matches for my interests and aspirations.
However, the one thing that puts Notre Dame on the top of my list is its sports.
Anyone can see from my resume that I am not an athlete-type. People often think that I am a stereotyped Asian kid who does not know anything about sports but just play classical music. But I love watching football games with my friends, and especially I love soccer. Also I am aware of the true value of the sports as well. During World-cup season, all the people in Korea become together for our national team. Sports convey community spirit into the society and bring people together. Notre Dame has strongest college spirit among any other colleges in the nation, and that spirit is the reason why I am most excited to attend Notre Dame. Despite all these strengths of sports, I am still not very athletic because simply I am not very good at it. However, I read a statement of one current Notre Dame student on College information pamphlet. He said, "Even if you don't love sports, like me, Notre Dame will make you an athlete by the time you graduate." That statement just got me. Now I can not wait to attend Notre Dame to find the other side of myself.
There are so many reasons why I am "interested" in attending ...
I think you're better of using these word counts toward the unifying power of sport or similar stuff. Notre Dame admission officers know the programs that the college offer, and they don't need another laundry list to tell them that.
Anyone can see From my resume , that I am not an athlete-type .
During World C up season, all the people in Korea be come together for our national team. Sports convey community spirit into the society and bring people closer(you use 'together' in the last sentence, vary your vocabs. a little).
Despite all these strengths of sports(what? this makes no sense), I am still not very athletic ...
People often think that I am a stereotyped Asian kid who ...
Rephrase this. It's worded poorly and sound very accusing/caustic.
"Even if you don't love sports, like me, Notre Dame will make you ...
This is good, and you should open with it. It swiftly deliver your point home w/ a decent opening (better than the laundry list)
Overall, your essay lack structure. There are good ideas, and you just need organize them better. I would also advise you not to use this:
I am still not very athletic ...
If you play a sport, tell the admission officer about your struggle to persevere and excel in that sport despite being non-athletic. At this point, you seem to be very ambivalent on your reason for wanting to attend Notre Dame. I can't perceive if you're just a sport fan, a struggling athlete, or just some dude who casually watches football games for fun.
Good luck :D
P.S. I meant no harm
