Hi I wrote an essay for University and the question is : Drawing from you personal experiences, tell us what leadership means to you. Describe an experience where you called upon your qualities of leadership, explaining what attributes you contributed toward achieving a desired outcome. What did you learn from this experience? It is 400 words or less, I am actually over my word limit. I wanted some feedback on my essay, where I can improve, and if I have answered the question properly.
From my personal experiences, leadership means having the responsibility of taking on a task that requires you to work with others as a team to attain a common objective. It means being strong and showing initiative and these are important in order to succeed in your goals. Leadership qualities that I have displayed come from volunteer experience. I was volunteering as a Teacher's Assistant at my community mosque. Every year there is an annual BBQ held for over 300 children aged 6-14. I was given the task of planning and implementing various games and activities for the children. The task required me to work with others and give them responsibilities in order for us to make the BBQ event successful. At first, I didn't think I had what it takes to manage such a large number of people. I knew it would require dedication, creativity, and openness. However, I knew this was the perfect opportunity for me to use the skills and experience I had learned from assisting children leaders from my part-time work. I had to plan a variety of games that would appeal to all the age groups. Another thing I had to do was organize all 300 children in teams. I knew it would be impossible to give each child a jersey or a coloured shirt to differentiate themselves from other teams but I knew giving up would not be the answer. It just made me think harder and think outside the box. I had come up with the idea of cutting out coloured fabric and using that to tie it around each child's hand like a bracelet. Before I could put each child in various teams, I had to get the attendance sheet from all teachers so I could organize the children accordingly. I did not want an entire team of teenagers, and a team full of children who were 6 years old. That would clearly be unfair. I knew I had to make teams that balanced out. After that was taken care of, I had to give each teacher different responsibilities for the day of the event. I had to let them know the roles they would be playing, and letting them know what they were in charge of. I had to plan the games and activities and get all the necessary supplies. I gave each volunteers different tasks to complete from supervising children to getting the supplies that were needed. To do all this, I only had about a week to plan. However, the even did turn out to be really successful and everyone including the teachers and I had the best time. I learned that none of it could have been possible if it had not been for my team. I learned how to take feedback and suggestions they gave me and use them to lead them better.
Thanks in advance !
Just five comments.
1. Don't repeat the prompt in your first sentence--seriously?--instead, weave it into your writing. In fact, just take away the "From my personal experiences" out altogether.
2. I think you should probably start a new paragraph after the second sentence.
3. Definitely want to correct your parallel structure and grammatical errors.
4. Some of your sentences can be put together to form one concise one.
5. Is there any other, perhaps more college-related, experience you can write about in which you displayed leadership?
