I'm writing my essay for my Carnegie Mellon CommonApp supplement and I'd like some feedback if you could. Thanks!
Prompt (if you're not already familiar with it): Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the "We don't inherit the Earth from our Ancestors; we borrow it from our children." and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
In the first semester of my 10th grade year in high school, I had taken an Intro to Business course. Originally, I had taken the course because I knew I would need to have the background knowledge it offered in order to take Higher Level Business Management in the IB. As I progressed along in the course syllabus, I did not develop a large interest in the subject. It simply remained as one of the courses I knew I would need for my future, regardless of what I actually turned out to become. However, that all changed when we reached the Human Resources unit. My father, at the time, was the head of HR for a Saudi-based telecom company in Dubai, so naturally I began to become intrigued with the subject. I was excited and eager to learn about what my father's job required him to consider day by day, so when the time came to choose my IB courses, I didn't hesitate in the slightest to take Higher Level Business Management. Once in the course, however, I had discovered a new business subject that intrigued me: marketing. The entire aspect of advertising a company's products and services to stimulate sales is extremely appealing to me, considering my more creative and right-sided thinking. That is why I want to pursue a career in marketing. I believe that with a strong marketing foundation in university, I will be able to contribute to international business community in the future.
In order to achieve my career goals, I must attend the right university. After doing extensive research on different universities and their undergraduate programs, I believe Carnegie Mellon is the right fit for me. Its diverse student population is one of the major factors that have influenced my decision to apply. I believe that being surrounded by a group of people who are equally open-minded and culturally diverse will be extremely beneficial to my social skills for the future. I believe this is especially true due to the nature of today's rapidly changing business world. While so much globalization is taking place, it becomes important for those involved to be able to interact with those from other cultures and take into account the cultural differences that stands between them, thus making Carnegie Mellon University a perfect choice to hone those skills and embrace cultural diversity.
Carnegie Mellon's Tepper School of Business offers a program that I believe will be the best fit for my career goals. The program helps undergraduate students develop a well rounded knowledge of business, giving them a solid foundation to explore further education on a specific area. This is why I believe that Carnegie Mellon will provide me with the most beneficial major. I am positive that with a major in the business program at the Tepper School, I will be able to easily pursue an even higher education in marketing, or any other functional area of business.
Note: its not all the way finished, as I want to know whether I am on the right track before I continue.
it looks great to me! i like the background info introduction.
"i must attend the right universitY" sounds a bit stiff, just awkwardly phrased. maybe just get rid of that sentence, it'll still flow well.
you also repeat "i believe" a lot of times.. find another way to say it or it just sounds like you're listing things
i'm applying to CMU too, but to the engineering school. best of luck!! :)
Thanks! The only thing I am really unsure about is my conclusion. I'm not quite sure how to wrap the whole thing up.
Also, on a separate note, is there any specific formatting we should adhere to? Other than the maximum one page, of course.
Here's my final verson:
In the first semester of my 10th grade year in high school, I had taken an Intro to Business course. Originally, I had taken the course because I knew I would need to have the background knowledge it offered in order to take Higher Level Business Management in the IB. As I progressed along in the course syllabus, I did not develop a large interest in the subject. It simply remained as one of the courses I knew I would need for my future, regardless of what I actually turned out to become. However, that all changed when we reached the Human Resources unit. My father, at the time, was the head of HR for a Saudi-based telecom company in Dubai, so naturally I began to become intrigued with the subject. I was excited and eager to learn about what my father's job required him to consider day by day, so when the time came to choose my IB courses, I didn't hesitate in the slightest to take Higher Level Business Management. Once in the course, however, I had discovered a new business subject that intrigued me: marketing. The entire aspect of advertising a company's products and services to stimulate sales is extremely appealing to me, considering my more creative and right-sided thinking. That is why I want to pursue a career in marketing. I'm sure that with a strong marketing foundation in university, I will be able to contribute to international business community in the future.
In order to achieve my career goals, however, I must attend an appropriate university. After doing extensive research on different universities and their undergraduate business programs, I believe Carnegie Mellon is the right fit for me. Its diverse student population is one of the major factors that have influenced my decision to apply. Being surrounded by a group of people who are equally open-minded and culturally diverse will be extremely beneficial to my social skills for the future. I believe this is especially true due to the nature of today's rapidly changing business world. While so much globalization is taking place, it becomes important for those involved to be able to interact with those from other cultures and take into account the cultural differences that stands between them, thus making Carnegie Mellon University a perfect choice to hone those skills and embrace cultural diversity.
Carnegie Mellon's Tepper School of Business offers a program that I'm convinced will be the best fit for my career goals. By having undergraduate students explore many different aspects of the business world, the program is able to help undergraduate students develop a well rounded knowledge of business, as well as giving them a solid foundation to explore further education on a specific area. This is why I believe that Carnegie Mellon will provide me with the most beneficial major. I am positive that with a major in the business program at the Tepper School, I will be able to easily pursue an even higher education in marketing, or any other functional area of business in case I decide to change my path.
In addition to a remarkable business program, I have become aware of Carnegie Mellon's highly distinguished reputation in the field of the arts, more specifically theatre. I plan to minor in theatre arts, as it has become something that I have grown fond of over my high school years. Therefore, Carnegie Mellon's artistic environment is something that has drawn me towards it as well, as I believe that it will help me gain a more diverse and well rounded education.
After extensive review of Carnegie Mellon's wide range of educational programs, as well as student body and campus, it has become clear to me that this university will not only expand my horizons educationally, but help me develop and become part of diverse, international community that prepares me for the real world.
