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"Why Do You Want To Attend a Service Acdemy?" Question(s) for Nomination

willy_mcnilly 1 / 2 1  
Apr 16, 2020   #1

"Excellence in all we do"

"Integrity, First, Service before self. Excellence in all we do" is the motto of the United States Air Force Academy. It is a motto its cadets live by. Its verbiage echoes the ideals and values that every upstanding citizen of the United States of America follows throughout their lives. As one of those citizens I live by this motto every day, always putting my peer's well-being before that of my own, putting aside personal gain for that of selfless service to help promote the greater good. I take pride in the quality of my work, striving to ensure every project and assignment given to me is given back with a higher degree of workmanship then expected. Every action performed and word uttered is done so with excellence in mind. It is done so with integrity at the forefront of all values. I know that I want to attend the United States Air Force Academy, not just because it represents the pinnacle of higher education for the men and women of the United States of America but because it represents the apex of my very ideals and beliefs. It represents my willingness to service my country to put aside my own life in favor for that of my fellow countryman, to ensure hat in all I strive to do in life, is done so with excellence and integrity at the forefront of it all. I want to attend the Air Force Academy because it will provide me to work alongside those who share these ideals and beliefs and those who wish to grow and mature these very ideals in an environment dedicated to upholding them. (Essay is a 300 count Word Limit)

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,102 3259  
Apr 17, 2020   #2
Your essay is not impressive because all you are doing is telling the reviewer about what you believe are you applicable skills, values, talent, etc. Telling the reviewer about these character traits is one thing. Actually proving it is another. That is what you failed to do. You have not offered any proof to the reviewer regarding your embodiment of the military way of life and servicemen character traits.

For every trait you present, you need to follow-up with a convincing example to support your claim. Otherwise, you are just showing off to the reviewer, who will not be impressed by any part of the essay that you wrote. Remember, US military men are known as doers. You want to join the ranks of the movers and shakers in your country, so you have to make sure that, as a civilian, you have reference points in your life that will prove your mettle to be a future military man, regardless of which branch of the service you end up in.

Revise the essay to reflect both a character trait and a believable example of how you actually apply that trait in your life. Refer to community service, being an exemplary student who helps under achievers, Having the best interest of others at heart when in a dire situation, you know what I mean. You have to highlight the fact that you are practically a serviceman at this point, and you want to formalize it through the attendance of the service academy.
OP willy_mcnilly 1 / 2 1  
Apr 21, 2020   #3
I appreciate the sincerity of your response. Honestly I was taken aback at first then realized that you're completely right about it. Talking about community service and probably something such as JROTC instead of just saying I can do stuff would actually be a really good idea. It's just more difficult due to the 300 word limit fitting in details without going to far into them and having a decent amount of "buzz" to it. I see that I focused much too hard on the "buzz" and not enough on the action. Is there anything in it that I could possibly keep? Anything that would sound good alongside actual supporting events?

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