I answered the prompt 'Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?' and I would really like my feedback on it. I was told that I spent too much time talking about the failure and not enough on the lesson so I cut out some parts on the failure but I didn't really add much to the lesson part (since I couldn't think of anything to add without sounding too brag-y or complimenting myself-y or things along those lines) so I would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think.
And any other criticisms are welcome too!
(Also, let me know if I have made too many paragraphs)
Lessons from the Stage
The auditorium is dark, but I know they are watching me. Nevertheless, the thump-thump in my heart ceases to exist.
I have spent most of my life moving. My father used to be a diplomat so I had moved pretty much every three years for all my life. From Sri Lanka, to Jordan, back to Sri Lanka, then Australia, and eventually Sri Lanka again. When you move around so often, it is hard to find a constant in life. I had no hobbies to talk of, and wanted to try something new. So when I returned to Sri Lanka I signed up for the school dance. In fact, I signed up for a few dances. I had never danced before, but how hard could it be?
It turned out that dancing was much harder than I had expected. I did not miraculously become better overnight. In fact when I started out, I could not even coordinate my arms and legs to move in unison. I only had about a month and a half to polish my skills in time for the concert, and after a few days I found myself regretting the decision to join the dance. But with practice, I gradually improved. I got a sense of rhythm and I got my arms and legs coordinated.
Still, I could not, did not, consider myself good enough. I remember that my stomach would plummet at the mere thought of the concert. But I can't stop time, and the day inevitably arrived.
The auditorium is dark, but I know they are watching me. Nevertheless, the thump-thump in my heart ceases to exist. I am on the stage and the music begins. The thought of all the people in the room watching me was forgotten. I did not think, simply followed the moves instilled into me through hours of long practice.
And as I had gotten off the stage, I had felt exhilarated. I had been eager to get back on stage for my next dance.
I am not perfect at dancing, and maybe I never will be, but I still love to dance. Although I had dreaded the concert, I am glad that I did not back out. In my eyes, my dancing that day may have been a failure, but if I had quit I would have felt like a failure. I did not feel like a failure during or after the concert. In fact, it made me realize that things you dread are often not as bad as make them out to be.
So what if my dancing was not flawless that day? I still had fun, and I can always improve. If I had merely never tried, I would have been left with a throbbing 'what if' at the back of my mind. I'm happy with the decision I made, since I know it was the right one.
Overall, this is a very well written essay with great detail. But i agree with what was told before, you need to go more in depth on what lessons you learned. Remember that it is absolutely 100% okay to brag on college essays. This is the one time to make yourself shine.
"I am not perfect at dancing, and maybe I never will be, but I still love to dance." I think you should omit the "maybe" in this sentence. Colleges know that no one will ever be perfect at anything, and I think it would make a great impact to them if you acknowledge the fact that you will never be perfect at dance.
This essay reeks of "I didn't win the big game, but I had fun and learned from it." Maybe you could talk about a specific dance move or something you tried to perfect over and over? The whole process, the frustrations, and the uber profound effect it had on you are things you could mention.
