Your tenses are jumping--sometimes in the same sentence. Your writing is creative, but the grammar needs some polishing. Let me point out a few things that jump out at me:
As he sleeps we lightly make our way up the forest trail.
There should be a comma after the word
sleeps. I am not sure about the structure here using the pronoun
he for the sun. It gets a little confusing when you use
he for an inanimate object and
we for a group of people in the same sentence. It might be better to come right out and say
the sun in your first sentence and then let the pronouns take over.
On and on we run, watching our feet dart gingerly over logs, around trees and through the brush and our breath as it fogs the cool, morning air.
There are a lot of visuals going on in just this one sentence and they get jumbled together. It might work better if you talk first about what your first are doing and then describe your breath in a separate sentence. Not all of your sentences need to be long and complex. In fact, a few shorter, simpler sentences would provide welcome variety.
The roar of the falls grows louder till it overcomes our panting breaths but we must hurry, he awakens soon.
Does the roar of the falls overcome your breath or the sound of your breathing?
He awakens soon could stand as a sentence on its own. The way it is written is a comma splice. You could correct this by using a semicolon instead.
The reds, oranges, purples and pinks brilliantly splash across the sky.
Usually, in the United States at least--it is different in Britain, there is a comma before the word
and in a series like this. It is a style issue, but you should remain constant through your writing. There is at least one place later in your essay where you use that final comma in a series. Either include it or omit it, but do it the same way each time.
Through the water his paints dance and play creating a daylight aurora borealis.
Comma after the word
water. Maybe it is just my more scientific mind at play here, but the imagery of an aurora borealis isn't working for me. I am trying to piece together how the light would interact with the water and create colors/patterns in the sky that would look like an aurora. I am a geek, sorry.
I didn't get much further into the essay than that. I hope that what I said makes some semblance of sense. I had my wisdom teeth out today and I am still a little loopy. I do think that the essay tells enough about you, but it is slow to get to the point of the essay--you. Rework it a bit to introduce yourself earlier in the piece.
