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UT Austin College Essay - Destructive Factionalism in American Politics


lilljadp 1 / 2  
Feb 17, 2011   #1
Hey guys, this is my first time on here and I wanted yall to peruse my essay for any problems. Criticism is wanted, especially if you disagree with me. Anyways this one is important because it is for my essay to UT, so it has to be perfect :) Again any help appreciated!

Anyways here is the essay prompt:

Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal,
school related, local, political, or international in scope - and
write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to
yourself, your family, your community or your generation.


and here is my essay:

When I look at the United States today, I see a nation at war. No, I am not talking about the War on Terrorism: I am talking about the war between liberals and conservatives. Recent developments like the Tucson shootings have called attention to the vitriol present between the two sides. The duopoly of the two major parties is harmful to our democracy today because it Balkanizes our country into two competing "black" and "white" factions. Policy would become more fair and more agreeable if we as a people could moderate and start making our decisions in a more clear and levelheaded "gray" fashion.

In America today, many issues signal a lack social unity. Issues seem to pit poor people vs. rich, big business vs. consumers, or Democrats vs. Republicans. I believe this yin and yang found in our politics is a destructive force, one which should be rectified in order to achieve fairer and more agreeable policy. Of course, everybody has their own interests, desires, and opinions: it is human nature to fight for those. However, we as a people should try to compromise and work together to solve the large and complex problems of today.

The cause of this division winds down to human psychology and tradition. Individuals are heavily influenced by the political situation of their upbringing. Humans are bound to form groups based on similar interests and goals. Also, the factionalism has been present for much of human history.

History has long been aware of this problem. America framed its constitution to allow for slavery, which allowed for the formation of the Union. Slavery was wrong, which tells us that compromise is not always the most ethical solution. However, in practice it allowed a country to form that has drastically changed world history. "E Pluribus Unum," found on our currency, literally means "out of many, one." In Federalist #10, which many claim to be one of the most important Federalist papers, James Madison calls factionalism a "dangerous vice." Rousseau spoke of a "general will" which society must oblige itself to if unity and equality is to be achieved.

The lack of unity may have some benefits, but ultimately it is a seriously problem which needs to be faced. It is true that political parties are able to simplify legislation and gain votes. However, that is both a blessing and a curse. Politics should cease being personal and partisan based. I think that partisan politics distract legislators from the real issues at hand. Politics should be based on the common good, what can benefit the most people.

Our lack of unity is important because American domestic policy can be felt all over the world, affecting many people's lives. Our policy influences Chinese businessmen, princes in the Middle East, poor children in Afghanistan, and everyone in between. It also affects you. Because so many people have stakes in American policy, everyone should have an equal say regardless of their political slant.

This issue is important to me because of the partisanship that I can see in my own family. In my family, there is a political split between my nuclear family and some of my cousins, uncles, and aunts. Whenever I visit my family, I have to remember not to mention any of my political feelings. No matter what political beliefs they hold I will always love my family. I think the political rift in my family is a great example of the state of the country. America is just like one giant family with over 300 million members. While we hold various ideas, we should work together and compromise no differently than a family would.

The current state of the media has also frustrated me. I enjoy reading the news every morning, but it has been difficult to find a news source with reasonable and pertinent arguments to support valid conclusions. I find that many news outlets try to make conclusions ad hominem. I think if we could throw our political affiliations by the wayside and use clear logic, wiser decisions could be made.

I have a problem with being labeled as a conservative, because I do not think that is an adequate description of who I am. I believe I am a reasonable person who looks out for all of society's interests. I do believe that certain policies can achieve this the most efficiently. However, I believe that we should compromise to address everyone's feelings to the greatest extent.

Public policy would become more fair, agreeable, and generally successful if we could learn to join hands and work together to solve America's problems. America should embrace the fact that everyone has different opinions. We need to refrain from using personal attacks and concentrate on the issues at hand. We need to glue back together the shattered lamp that is our great country.
ukkuma 3 / 40  
Feb 18, 2011   #2
While I think this is well written, I feel it may not be perfectly suited for a college admissions essay. I think you have to connect the essay to yourself more and make it personal. I can see that you are well researched, and the writing itself doesn't seem to contain glaring errors. However, if you ask whether this essay gives me a lasting impact, I'm afraid I have to say no. You can show more, maybe include a little episode in which you really felt the importance of this issue. This is probably the only place in your application where the readers are going to get to know you as a person, so don't hesitate to paint it in your own colors. Sorry if I was harsh, but I want to help you get in (I like Texas^^).

This is just my opinion, but I say "show" more of yourself and loosen up a bit in your essay. Good luck!
OP lilljadp 1 / 2  
Feb 18, 2011   #3
Thanks yall for the responses. This essay's seeming lack of "personality" was already one of the biggest issues. If I were to change it to include why I personally believe this would that change anything? I read the news a lot and the main reason I wrote this essay is because I get disenchanted over the blatant spin found in todays media. But Im feeling that's still a lack of a personal issue, it just shows my interests.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 23, 2011   #4
No need to start with a comment on what people are likely to be able to tell you. That does not help. You are trying to make a point about the destruction, so focus on that.

Welcome to essayforum, by the way. It is cool that you watch the news and are aware of the political issues. Maybe the shooting in Tucson is at the origin of this... it sparked national debate about "vitriole" in politics. Did I even spell that correctly? ha ha...

Anyway, your topic is going to be interesting o the reader, because it is timely.

Don't say more clear. Say clearer.

The lack of unity may have some benefits, but ultimately it is a seriously problem which needs to be faced. Political parties are able to simplify legislation. However, that is both a blessing and a curse. In experience, parties promote class warfare, which is--Right here, you get in over your head. Class warfare might not be exactly what you think it is. You tried to tackle too much all at once here. Only write about what you know well. That is always the rule. Stay focused on a particular concept, a particular message. One message expressed powerfully as an essay. It could be a single sentence, but it is expressed in a whole essay. Not many ideas, but one big idea.

:-)

blatant spin found in todays media.

Spin is natural. I even put a spin on what I write here, because I have opinions. But then there are the news sources that are influenced inappropriately. The thing is, in America there are some people who are so ridiculously rich that they can control anything they want. There is a saying, "Everyone has a price." That means if some people get rich enough they can control anything they want. When that happens, we no longer have a democracy. I'm not being hyperbolic. We really no longer have a democracy, because when someone can do something he will do something, and we have some very rich people who can do a lot of things. They are in control now.
OP lilljadp 1 / 2  
Feb 23, 2011   #5
Thanks guys for the comments. I redeveloped and narrowed my thesis, added more personal details, remove contractions and wierd diction.


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